At what point in my life did "The Head Game" start? Did I sign up to play somewhere? Maybe after a few too many pitchers of horribly cheap beer at Mr. B's (when I was about 19) ... did a clip board come by and I put my name on a list to be a player in "The Head Game" ... was my drunk-19-year-old-self thinking "Sure, I like games ... "The Head Game" that sounds like fun!" Maybe I didn't read the small print and realize this would be on going the rest of my life???
Maybe I've always been playing "The Head Game" ... just sometimes I pay it more attention than others? Was I born playing the game? Do we all play the game?
What is it with my self-image ... that the voice I hear in my head, the voice that is continually playing "The Game" ... the one that is overwhelmingly negative and judgmental, the voice that is NOT of my God ... knowing it is NOT of love, NOT of my Savior and why do I give it a second thought?
Maybe by blogging about it, acknowledging it in such a public manner ... "it" will go away??? I highly doubt it ... there is a part of me that is used to "The Head Game" ... it is strangely familiar and horribly comfortable??? Is that possible? I've become a good player, maybe the best ... can I conquer the game? Does someone actually win it eventually? Will balloons and confetti fall from the sky at some point??? (sigh)
I can remember playing "The Head Game" many times throughout my life ... once I can remember clearly ... when I was in 8th grade. I felt the need to be on Jenny Craig. My parents took me to the place in Los Alamitos, and I remember getting food and talking with some woman about needing to lose weight. When I look back at pictures of myself and friends at that time in my life ... WE ALL LOOKED THE SAME. Ok, I had bigger boobs, but I always have ... I was a little more tom-boy-ish ... but again, I always have been. Why did I feel the need to play the game? Where did that come from? I am really praying about the answer to that question ... will discovering the answer allow me to stop playing the game finally???
I don't want to play "The Head Game" anymore ... I don't want to hear the voice ... "Are you really going to eat that?" "Just have one, give in, it doesn't matter ... "
"The Head Game" goes on and on ... daily, moment by moment ... it is ONLY a daily surrender to my God that I can stop playing ... that I can focus for that moment on what God wants for my life, for my health and for my body ... that's all that really matters.
Your will be done Lord ... I know "The Head Game" is not what you want for me. Tomorrow is a new day and again my first thought in the morning will be a prayer in which everything I have, everything I do, I pray it will glorify only You.
Forgive me for the moments that I am playing the game, that I am listening, if even for a moment, to the voice in my head ... as it sometimes can drown out Your voice in my heart.
My hands are raised to You, holding the game ... can you see it Lord? Here it is in the box ... the box is torn ... the edges are bent, the corners are taped, I've been holding onto it for a very very long time. Every piece, every card, all the dice and the directions which I have read over and over again. I know them by heart. I am giving You this game now Lord, for You to destroy, so I am free ... free from "The Head Game". I want to be free. Amen.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The Dentist ...
Hmmm ... not my favorite place to go ... the smell, the sounds ... makes me shiver.
I went yesterday since my dentist said, "this one you better take care of soon or it will be a root canal" ... yikes! One tooth being drilled, lead to another ... "why not, you are numb already" ... which lead to a third! ARGH! If my foot could reach back and I could kick my own #@$! I would! That's what happens when you don't go to the dentist ... um ... ever.
I had a great dentist when I was growing up ... Dr. Glass. I never had a bad experience ... there isn't anything I can remember happening that would make me dislike the dentist so much now ... maybe it is the cost of everything? the smell? I can't get that out of my head ... the sounds ... metal grinding? Whew, I am shivering again. Yuck. Can anyone relate???
Anyhow, after an almost 2 1/2 hour ordeal ... I went home completely numb, drooling on myself, took some Tylenol PM and I was out ... at 6:30. Awesome. I woke up to the same feelings, soo sore and wanting to rip off the right half of my head ... that I am home in bed, watching the Price is Right and blogging ... maybe the dentist isn't so bad after all ... more Tylenol and a solid nap is what I need.
Night-night.
I went yesterday since my dentist said, "this one you better take care of soon or it will be a root canal" ... yikes! One tooth being drilled, lead to another ... "why not, you are numb already" ... which lead to a third! ARGH! If my foot could reach back and I could kick my own #@$! I would! That's what happens when you don't go to the dentist ... um ... ever.
I had a great dentist when I was growing up ... Dr. Glass. I never had a bad experience ... there isn't anything I can remember happening that would make me dislike the dentist so much now ... maybe it is the cost of everything? the smell? I can't get that out of my head ... the sounds ... metal grinding? Whew, I am shivering again. Yuck. Can anyone relate???
Anyhow, after an almost 2 1/2 hour ordeal ... I went home completely numb, drooling on myself, took some Tylenol PM and I was out ... at 6:30. Awesome. I woke up to the same feelings, soo sore and wanting to rip off the right half of my head ... that I am home in bed, watching the Price is Right and blogging ... maybe the dentist isn't so bad after all ... more Tylenol and a solid nap is what I need.
Night-night.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Simple things
Simple things are really what make my day Divine ... simple things that just shine of God's good works ... simple things that make me smile and laugh, there is nothing greater for my healing soul.
As I type this I am on my bedroom floor watching my beautiful children play in the bathtub. Gracie is dumping water from one thing into another ... I can hardly believe she can see what she is doing with her hair all over her sweet face ... her cheeks are red, hmmm ... maybe the water is too warm? Matthew is playing with foam pirates ... sitting there together, angels they are.
Simple things. Bath toys. Everyone should have them ... no matter what age. We have a great toy monkey ... you wind his arms up and he swims freestyle across the tub. I love taking baths with my kids, making bubble beards and splashing water. Who ever decided that splashing was a bad thing? Some old man probably ... a man who never had bath toys.
On friday as I was going to work, I decided a Starbucks stop for a soy chai was the perfect way to start my day ... the register was shutting down when any debit cards where being used, so when I presented mine to the nice Starbucks lady ... don't they have a fancy name? Oh, Barista? Right? She tried my card and again the system went down, so I got my sweet little soy chai for free. I smiled up at God and thanked Him for my free warm drink of yumminess. Simple things.
"Nausea, heart-burn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea" ... you know that commercial? Can you imagine some high paid advertising executives (who probably didn't get a free soy chai) sitting around a big mahogany table in suits that are all some wicked shade of dark blue ... and someone says, "I have a new jingle for peptol bismol" (I think I spelled that wrong ... but you all know what I mean, that liquid pink chalk in a plastic bottle!). Everytime I see that commercial I laugh out loud ... and I hope you will too now. Then some stiff suit says, "Yes, that is a great song, I know we can make up a dance to go with it!" "Yes, when they sing diarrhea, they'll grab their butts!" Hahahaha ... hilarious. Simple things that make me laugh are Divine.
Gotta get my shriveled angels out of the tub now. One more thing ...
My Ma works at Longmont United Hospital as a CNA ... which is her calling, I've never seen her in action, but I know she is so kind and loving to everyone she comes into contact with. While working at the hospital she has met an amazing woman named Anita. I have yet to meet Anita, but from all I have heard she is an angel. My Ma knows she got the job at the hospital just to meet Anita. Anita spoke these words to my Ma, and she shared with me ...
I let the peace of God rule in my heart and I refuse to worry about anything. Col. 3:15
Simple word, refuse ... I too will refuse to worry ... as my Daddy once said, it is the opposite of Faith.
Simple. Simple things. I am thankful for them all.
Amen.
As I type this I am on my bedroom floor watching my beautiful children play in the bathtub. Gracie is dumping water from one thing into another ... I can hardly believe she can see what she is doing with her hair all over her sweet face ... her cheeks are red, hmmm ... maybe the water is too warm? Matthew is playing with foam pirates ... sitting there together, angels they are.
Simple things. Bath toys. Everyone should have them ... no matter what age. We have a great toy monkey ... you wind his arms up and he swims freestyle across the tub. I love taking baths with my kids, making bubble beards and splashing water. Who ever decided that splashing was a bad thing? Some old man probably ... a man who never had bath toys.
On friday as I was going to work, I decided a Starbucks stop for a soy chai was the perfect way to start my day ... the register was shutting down when any debit cards where being used, so when I presented mine to the nice Starbucks lady ... don't they have a fancy name? Oh, Barista? Right? She tried my card and again the system went down, so I got my sweet little soy chai for free. I smiled up at God and thanked Him for my free warm drink of yumminess. Simple things.
"Nausea, heart-burn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea" ... you know that commercial? Can you imagine some high paid advertising executives (who probably didn't get a free soy chai) sitting around a big mahogany table in suits that are all some wicked shade of dark blue ... and someone says, "I have a new jingle for peptol bismol" (I think I spelled that wrong ... but you all know what I mean, that liquid pink chalk in a plastic bottle!). Everytime I see that commercial I laugh out loud ... and I hope you will too now. Then some stiff suit says, "Yes, that is a great song, I know we can make up a dance to go with it!" "Yes, when they sing diarrhea, they'll grab their butts!" Hahahaha ... hilarious. Simple things that make me laugh are Divine.
Gotta get my shriveled angels out of the tub now. One more thing ...
My Ma works at Longmont United Hospital as a CNA ... which is her calling, I've never seen her in action, but I know she is so kind and loving to everyone she comes into contact with. While working at the hospital she has met an amazing woman named Anita. I have yet to meet Anita, but from all I have heard she is an angel. My Ma knows she got the job at the hospital just to meet Anita. Anita spoke these words to my Ma, and she shared with me ...
I let the peace of God rule in my heart and I refuse to worry about anything. Col. 3:15
Simple word, refuse ... I too will refuse to worry ... as my Daddy once said, it is the opposite of Faith.
Simple. Simple things. I am thankful for them all.
Amen.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Blah ...
Whew, have I got a case of the "blahs" ... just blah ... blah-blah-blah-bity-blah-blah ...hormonal probably, wanting nothing more than jammies, a good cup of tea and my bed, oh and maybe some trashy tv. I think I am getting sick. The kids have both been sick, so it would be the natural progression if I got sick next right? As long as it stops with me and Caloy doesn't get sick. I think I've written about that before ... men are such wieners when they get sick.
I love trying to get my husband's attention when the tea kettle is whistling (side-note) ... I need to invent a tea kettle with a blinking light. Yes, that's the ticket ... tea for Deafies. I'm awesome. I'll make a prototype by taping a flashlight on mine. Don't anyone go and steal my idea now!
I finished reading a book today ... Interpreting has a lot of down time ... today one of my student's was taking a test, so I read my book for about an hour. Nice huh? The book is called "90 minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper. This man, Reverend Piper died in 1989 in a horrible car crash, went to Heaven and then came back to life 90 minutes later. It was an amazing book. He describes all he remembers from Heaven and his life before and after the accident. If you are in need of a good read ... I highly suggest that book.
Ahhh, country peach tea is ready for my sippin' lips. Thank you Lord for the blahs ... after the rain the sun seems to shine so much brighter. Thank you for my peach tea Lord, for the sweetness of a simple fruit, Thank you for my brilliant tea for deafies idea ... I'll run that by my husband and will expect his eyes to roll back in his head ... Thank you Lord for my children who are screaming at each other right now ... and for the blanket keeping me warm and wrapped up tightly around my legs so I can't jump up and stop them.
"No hitting Gracie Lou~ No Ma'am!!"
Thank you Lord for this day, for all the blessings that make my cup continue to overflow ... blahs and all. Amen.
I love trying to get my husband's attention when the tea kettle is whistling (side-note) ... I need to invent a tea kettle with a blinking light. Yes, that's the ticket ... tea for Deafies. I'm awesome. I'll make a prototype by taping a flashlight on mine. Don't anyone go and steal my idea now!
I finished reading a book today ... Interpreting has a lot of down time ... today one of my student's was taking a test, so I read my book for about an hour. Nice huh? The book is called "90 minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper. This man, Reverend Piper died in 1989 in a horrible car crash, went to Heaven and then came back to life 90 minutes later. It was an amazing book. He describes all he remembers from Heaven and his life before and after the accident. If you are in need of a good read ... I highly suggest that book.
Ahhh, country peach tea is ready for my sippin' lips. Thank you Lord for the blahs ... after the rain the sun seems to shine so much brighter. Thank you for my peach tea Lord, for the sweetness of a simple fruit, Thank you for my brilliant tea for deafies idea ... I'll run that by my husband and will expect his eyes to roll back in his head ... Thank you Lord for my children who are screaming at each other right now ... and for the blanket keeping me warm and wrapped up tightly around my legs so I can't jump up and stop them.
"No hitting Gracie Lou~ No Ma'am!!"
Thank you Lord for this day, for all the blessings that make my cup continue to overflow ... blahs and all. Amen.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Addiction
So, I was thinking the other day ...
about my brother and his sobriety. He is really doing amazing. We had a family dinner, my Uncle was in town, and it was the 1st dinner I can EVER recall that there was NO alcohol. My Uncle is a recovering alcoholic too and has really been pivotal in Loren's recovery. We all still laughed and had a great time and there was no one drinking! It was really something. I had to sit back for a moment and really take a mental picture of my family, all we have been through and where we are now. God is in the business of making miracles and my family is the evidence.
My brother in his daily recovery and sobriety has to surrender the desire to use heroin and crack cocaine. Daily. He has to give up the need to buy something to drink. He knows what it would lead to, he knows that it would kill him, he was already at death's door, and Loren is choosing life ... everyday, he surrenders it all. I am so proud of him. God has His grasp firmly around my brother's heart and I am so thankful.
I looked up the definition of "addiction" ... and here it is:
Addiction was a term used to describe a devotion, attachment, dedication, inclination, etc. Nowadays, however, the term addiction is used to describe a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in "some specific activity", despite harmful consequences to the individual's health, mental state or social life.
What really struck me about that definition is the "some specific activity" ... thinking of my brother I could put in drug and alcohol use ... and thinking of myself I could put in overeating. It is a compulsion, it does have harmful consequences to my health, mental state and social life.
That is a HUGE realization for me. I too, like my brother need to focus on recovery, choose life, and daily surrender this struggle.
Thank you Lord for my brother, for his recovery and what it is teaching me about my own journey to health and healing. You promise to use all things for good Lord, for those who love you ... I do love you and I know that it is only You that can use my own struggles for good. Amen.
about my brother and his sobriety. He is really doing amazing. We had a family dinner, my Uncle was in town, and it was the 1st dinner I can EVER recall that there was NO alcohol. My Uncle is a recovering alcoholic too and has really been pivotal in Loren's recovery. We all still laughed and had a great time and there was no one drinking! It was really something. I had to sit back for a moment and really take a mental picture of my family, all we have been through and where we are now. God is in the business of making miracles and my family is the evidence.
My brother in his daily recovery and sobriety has to surrender the desire to use heroin and crack cocaine. Daily. He has to give up the need to buy something to drink. He knows what it would lead to, he knows that it would kill him, he was already at death's door, and Loren is choosing life ... everyday, he surrenders it all. I am so proud of him. God has His grasp firmly around my brother's heart and I am so thankful.
I looked up the definition of "addiction" ... and here it is:
Addiction was a term used to describe a devotion, attachment, dedication, inclination, etc. Nowadays, however, the term addiction is used to describe a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in "some specific activity", despite harmful consequences to the individual's health, mental state or social life.
What really struck me about that definition is the "some specific activity" ... thinking of my brother I could put in drug and alcohol use ... and thinking of myself I could put in overeating. It is a compulsion, it does have harmful consequences to my health, mental state and social life.
That is a HUGE realization for me. I too, like my brother need to focus on recovery, choose life, and daily surrender this struggle.
Thank you Lord for my brother, for his recovery and what it is teaching me about my own journey to health and healing. You promise to use all things for good Lord, for those who love you ... I do love you and I know that it is only You that can use my own struggles for good. Amen.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sloop Soup
Thanks to my dear friend, whom I will call PP ... for reasons she knows ... still one of my most favorite stories in the universe ... I wanted to share with everyone my favorite veggie soup recipe. PP made it for me when I was sick and pregnant, as I recall, and I don't recall much from that time ... it's amazing!!!
Today was a good day ... finally got my permanent crown on my tooth that broke a billion years ago. It's taken me way too long, a root canal, crown lengthening and so on to get it taken care of ... and yes today was the last step! Yipeee! I suppose the dental assistants would have been talking about me ... if they could ... like the Vietnamese pedicure girls ... you know they are talking about your funky feet right in front of you ... only in Vietnamese, so you have no clue. Right? Shoot, if I had to clean toes all day, I'd be talking about them too ... the dental assistants were speaking in Spanish sometimes ... maybe they were discussing my lack of dental care in the last 10 years ... who knows.
So ... a new toof I have ... and I can safely eat a Jelly Belly, or two, without fearing it will come out. Then, I went to work at the Y. I was off from interpreting today ... but got in some good Y time too. I love working there ... not only because I told my boss about my blog today and she may read this at some time and read my entry about working at the Y ... but it's just a great place to be. If only they had full time hours and insurance ... is that still in the works G? :)
I went to the store to get what I needed for Sloop Soup ... made it when I came home ... Caloy and I watched a movie while the kiddies were napping at the same time (both are still coughing and barfing with temps) ... we watched Mr. Woodcock, it was pretty funny ... ate Sloop Soup and had a grand afternoon.
Matthew and I made some Vegan chocolate chip cookies, which are divine ... "How do you make Vegan cookies?" you ask? Same as normal, minus the butter and eggs ... they are yummy! Giradelli's semi-sweet chocolate chips are vegan too.
All together an entirely blessed day. Lord you are so good. Thank you for the soreness in my shoulders today, for my children who fought to stand together on a chair to help me bake, for my husband and his continuing support of my goal of a healthier lifestyle, for my dear friend PP and the Sloop Soup, for the goldfish that are scattered all over the kitchen table and floor which means we have food to eat, and the dishes stacked a mile high in the sink which means I have a home to wash them in ... I am so blessed Lord.
Sloop Soup
Today was a good day ... finally got my permanent crown on my tooth that broke a billion years ago. It's taken me way too long, a root canal, crown lengthening and so on to get it taken care of ... and yes today was the last step! Yipeee! I suppose the dental assistants would have been talking about me ... if they could ... like the Vietnamese pedicure girls ... you know they are talking about your funky feet right in front of you ... only in Vietnamese, so you have no clue. Right? Shoot, if I had to clean toes all day, I'd be talking about them too ... the dental assistants were speaking in Spanish sometimes ... maybe they were discussing my lack of dental care in the last 10 years ... who knows.
So ... a new toof I have ... and I can safely eat a Jelly Belly, or two, without fearing it will come out. Then, I went to work at the Y. I was off from interpreting today ... but got in some good Y time too. I love working there ... not only because I told my boss about my blog today and she may read this at some time and read my entry about working at the Y ... but it's just a great place to be. If only they had full time hours and insurance ... is that still in the works G? :)
I went to the store to get what I needed for Sloop Soup ... made it when I came home ... Caloy and I watched a movie while the kiddies were napping at the same time (both are still coughing and barfing with temps) ... we watched Mr. Woodcock, it was pretty funny ... ate Sloop Soup and had a grand afternoon.
Matthew and I made some Vegan chocolate chip cookies, which are divine ... "How do you make Vegan cookies?" you ask? Same as normal, minus the butter and eggs ... they are yummy! Giradelli's semi-sweet chocolate chips are vegan too.
All together an entirely blessed day. Lord you are so good. Thank you for the soreness in my shoulders today, for my children who fought to stand together on a chair to help me bake, for my husband and his continuing support of my goal of a healthier lifestyle, for my dear friend PP and the Sloop Soup, for the goldfish that are scattered all over the kitchen table and floor which means we have food to eat, and the dishes stacked a mile high in the sink which means I have a home to wash them in ... I am so blessed Lord.
Sloop Soup
- 3 potatoes, chopped (I used 5 small red potatoes and left the skin on)
- 1/2lb of green beans, chopped
- 3 carrots, chopped
- 1 medium onion
- Salt and pepper
- 2 quarts veggie broth (or chicken juice)
- 1/2lb zucchini, sliced
- 1 16oz can of kidney beans
- 4 cloves of garlic, mashed
- 1 6oz can of tomato paste
- 1 tbsp dried basil
- 1/2 c. Parmesan cheese (I didn't use this ... but you sure can!)
- 1/2 c. chopped parsley ( I used fresh, but you can use dried)
- 1/4c. olive oil
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Stale coffee, corn chips and dirty socks ...
Stale coffee ... like the kind that has been at the bottom of the pot for a few days and in desperate need of a pick-me-up, you decide to microwave it, only to taste grunge and grit! Corn chips, not good fresh ones ... corn chips from a gas station in the middle of nowhere that probably expired 3 years ago, and socks ... dirty man socks ... the kind that you smell and make you gag!
Yes, that was the smell of Dave, the boxer that owns the gym that I went to today. He is a great guy, from the East Coast, who smelled like the previous description, foamed at the mouth when he got excited and had greasy hair. He was awesome!!! He cussed like a trucker, but he has a heart of gold ... salt-of-the-earth-kinda-guy! Dave was fabulous.
We worked out in the ring ... an actual boxing ring ... throwing jabs and crosses, it was phenomenal! We then went to the heavy bags and speed bags ... you know the little ones that hang from a platform? I actually did it, and it was super exciting! Gotta get into the right rhythm or you can end up punching the air and completely missing! We did some shadow-boxing in front of a mirror and jump roping too. It was really a cool experience. I want to get a satin robe that says "Jabbin' Jess" on it! Whaddya think? Hot pink satin! YES! Ok, guess I better go to a few more lessons before I really get in the ring.
Thank you Lord for Dave, for his heart, for his knowledge and for his confidence. He is a strong man Lord and he is faithfully using the talents you have given him. Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to recharge my workout. Keep me safe Lord as I strive to box one-on-one ... Eye of the Tiger in the background ... "And in this corner ... weighing in at 145 lbs ... Little Jabbin' Jessie ... " "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Can you hear the crowd? Lord you are so good to me. May I continue to praise you with every breath ...
Amen.
Yes, that was the smell of Dave, the boxer that owns the gym that I went to today. He is a great guy, from the East Coast, who smelled like the previous description, foamed at the mouth when he got excited and had greasy hair. He was awesome!!! He cussed like a trucker, but he has a heart of gold ... salt-of-the-earth-kinda-guy! Dave was fabulous.
We worked out in the ring ... an actual boxing ring ... throwing jabs and crosses, it was phenomenal! We then went to the heavy bags and speed bags ... you know the little ones that hang from a platform? I actually did it, and it was super exciting! Gotta get into the right rhythm or you can end up punching the air and completely missing! We did some shadow-boxing in front of a mirror and jump roping too. It was really a cool experience. I want to get a satin robe that says "Jabbin' Jess" on it! Whaddya think? Hot pink satin! YES! Ok, guess I better go to a few more lessons before I really get in the ring.
Thank you Lord for Dave, for his heart, for his knowledge and for his confidence. He is a strong man Lord and he is faithfully using the talents you have given him. Thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to recharge my workout. Keep me safe Lord as I strive to box one-on-one ... Eye of the Tiger in the background ... "And in this corner ... weighing in at 145 lbs ... Little Jabbin' Jessie ... " "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Can you hear the crowd? Lord you are so good to me. May I continue to praise you with every breath ...
Amen.
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