Hello ...

let me introduce myself ...

My name is Jessica.

I used to blog all the time ...

the last time was apparently in April ...

and now ...

it is June 20th.

How did this happen?

No clue.

Life.

Races.

Children.

School.

Work.

Sleep.

Forgive me ... I shall begin again ...

Today's Oprah ...

was profound.

Kirstie Alley was on again. When Oprah came back this season and did her shows about "falling off the wagon" and about how she was "still talking about the same issue" ... Kirstie emailed her and told her she did the same.

Kirstie Alley was the Jenny Craig spokesperson ... wow, talk about a public fight with weight and image and to have hit your "goal" ... there she sat with Oprah, having put it all back on PLUS 10 more pounds.

Incredible.

Oprah also interviewed a man named Michael who was in the Guiness Book of World Records as the most dramatic dieter ... or something along those lines ... this man was 1100lbs, and with the help of Richard Simmons (giggle) he lost hundreds and hundreds of pounds over 19 months, to hit his goal of 198lbs. He was on the show today, after he gained it ALL back ... plus some too, he had to be fork-lifted from his home ... he is back down to 300+lbs now.

They all have the same story, my story, your story, it's all the same.

If it is 5lbs, or 500 ... we are all on the search for something better. I don't know a single person that can look in the mirror and be truly satisfied with what they see. There is not a person I have ever known that is not on a journey to better themselves physically, in one way or another.

It dawned on me today, EVERYONE has this issue. Everyone.

I want this to be about health, about being a model for my children, about not always pining for something better, this is something I will never get over, I know this now, this is about learning to deal with it, in a healthy and positive way.

Everyone deals with it in one way or another.

EVERYONE.

Blows my mind really. I am not alone, I have never been alone. My journey may look different than yours, but we each have one, a story, a time when we have felt less than, a time when we have wanted more for ourselves.

I am thankful for that show today, it was amazing. How brave for those people to showcase themselves so publicly after they feel like they have failed.

I understand that failure and feeling unworthy.

I am worthy.

Journey onward ...

Sausage casing ...

is what it felt like when I was trying to shove my bod into a wetsuit last night, without body glide. I went to a clinic at Fleet Feet in Boulder, amazing women work there. There was a Pro Triathlete there, she shared so much wisdom, and a Pro runner, placed 5th at the Boston Marathon ...

So, I found a wetsuit that works, the 1st one, I could hardly breathe, and with the boobs I have, sheesh ... but the next size up was better ... I even had my name pulled at the raffle and won a free weekend rental. I am bummed I won't be able to get in an Open Water Swim before my race ... TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY, I'll be on the road to Vegas ... but it's all good, I've heard awesome things about swimming in a wetsuit, so I am looking forward to the added buoyancy and speed.

My back is still bothering me ... I think my long bike ride last Sunday I was pinching my shoulder blades together too much, and since I've had a yucky pinching pain, soreness ... worse in the morning when I first get up and in the shower ... praying for healing.

Doing a Dip-n-Dash on Sunday.

I am still horribly frustrated with my weight loss, ummm, lack of ... I'm just stuck at the moment. Being stuck blows.

It's ok, it is what it is, at this moment ...

TWO WEEKS ...

Update ... um ... finally.

So ... this is me ... duh ... last Sunday, in my bike get-up. I have a skort-bike-short-thang ... and I threw on pants under since it was raining. I'm wearing my Team CWW zippy-jacket-shirt-thang too. I actually am also wearing my swimsuit and "last resort" sports bra too ... When I have been riding lately, I've been wearing my suit, to better prepare myself for my race, all my layers in place.

I haven't been to WW in a while now ... and yep, I am still paying monthly. I am semi-journaling what I have been eating, but am at a stand-still with my weight loss. I'm kinda frustrated by it, knowing how much I've been working out, my swim alone last Wednesday was so hard, I thought I could have dropped 3lbs alone, but nope. So, I am being patient in this area, I am surrendering my desire for the scale to move, just knowing and trusting that I am doing what I need to be doing at this exact moment in my life.

I found a different WW meeting on Mondays which I am going to go to. I love my Saturday meeting and the leader there, but it's just not flying with my schedule at the moment.

I have twenty-something days left until my race ...

I made chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and M&M's (at Matthew's request) yesterday and I ate it for breakfast.

Two steps forward, one step back?

Maybe.

It was freaking good.

Whatever.

I was encouraged by my friend to post my testimony ... so I will. Why not? I shared it with a room full of women and the freedom in sharing was unlike anything I have ever known ... so I will post it soon.

We've got a crazy storm coming through, lots of rain and the potential for snow. I am praying that it really blows over come Sunday ... it'll be my 1st time putting together my swim, bike and run before my race ... and I'd prefer not to be frozen ... just a personal preference.

I'm letting my hair grow ... just feel the need for the convience of a pony tail this summer ... random thought.

Sooo ... that is me, at whatever weight I am at ... plugging along and getting ready for the longest triathlon I've ever done, the 1st of 5 races I have throughout the summer.

GO ME!

Perfection is my enemy.

Here are the lyrics to an awesome song;

http://www.francescamusic.com/tracks/free-to-be-me-lyrics

If you cut and paste that you can hear the song from her site ...

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

This song speaks to my heart in such a huge way ... been a little while since I've posted but I'm focused on my race ... 32 days ...

Perfection is my enemy and I surrender it all, moment by moment.

Free Fallin ...

Today after church, I thought it was the perfect chance to take my bike off the trainer and test out the shoes and clips I've been practicing with.

I was in the alley, behind my house ... not even in motion really, and yep ...

I fell.

Lucky to have not busted my arm or wrist, catching myself, but I did get a rockin' slab o' road rash on my right knee.

Free ... free fallin' ...

My neighbor saw me ... "Ummm, did you just fall???"

Sweet.

I gathered myself and headed off, to stop by Chum's house, she lives a block away or so ... and by the time I got there, I heard "ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss" coming from my front tire. Really?!? Again, I was close enough I could walk back home. Ridiculous.

I went to Safeway to try and make some attempt at dinner, even baked an Angel food cake (in the wrong pan, by the way and it nearly exploded!) ... while I was home and cooking, I did manage to dump our entire container of rice on my kitchen floor too. I just stood there and looked at it ... Did I clean it up immediately? Nope, I thought I'd walk through it and spread it around a bit ... what a freaking disaster.

The only one who ate dinner was Caloy, and I don't know how to take that because he might eat poo if it was with rice ... my kids are really hard to cook for and I honestly think Matthew has some weird food aversion disorder ... his gag reflex is insane, won't eat or try anything ... could be an oral/motor issue ... something's up there though ... Do I have the energy to pursue it? Ummm, nope.

This week I've just felt like Jabba the freaking Hut. Just gross and bloated and fat. Isn't that a great description of yourself?!? Nice Jessica. Jessica the Hut. Blech. C'mon already period, get flowing and with that let's start the attitude adjustment.

I'm tired.

Back on track in the morning.

73 Things ..

1. I think I am really funny, I love making people laugh.

2. I love avocados, peaches, mangoes and hummus, not together ...

3. I knew I would have a child with special needs, God prepared my heart before I was even married.

4. Sometimes I see something on my floor and will just lick my thumb and scrub it off.

5. I think I am a good athlete, there is a rock star bod under all this flab created by having children.

6. I made up my mind a long time ago that I would never marry anyone that had a problem with addiction, as it has ravaged through my family, the cycle stops here, and I knew that when I was young.

7. I love musicals and want to be on the stage at some point in my life ... again.

8. I fully admit I am overwhelmed by my life.

9. I am saddened by people that feel they have to earn Grace.

10. I love interpreting worship at church.

11. I am eclectic.

12. I love sunflowers, tuberose and lilac ... I think lilac is what Heaven will smell like.

13. When I was growing up, I didn't yearn to be a Mommy, I don't remember giving much thought to it at all, and probably would have waited some time after getting married if I didn't get pregnant on our honeymoon.

14. Having a Deaf husband is much more difficult than people realize. I think people see it as a novelty, but my day to day life is impacted greatly by marrying a man that can not hear anything.

15. I love triathlons and am ridiculously excited for the season ahead ... I have turned over a new leaf in my journey to better health and am constantly amazed at what my body can do.

16. I miss my Grandma Betty everyday.

17. I used to lie a lot when I was growing up.

18. I like beer.

19. I am a tomboy. I have no desire to dress up or wear make-up ... I have been a sweats and ponytail girl since I can remember. When I do dress up it makes me feel special, and I suppose if I did it everyday then people wouldn't notice.

20. I have always had really good friends, male and female.

21. I don't care much for pasta.

22. I have always hated having big boobs. I was made fun of by lots of people growing up.

23. I don't consider myself an artist. I enjoy painting, it is a peaceful place for me to be involved in a project. When I had the shop though, I would always be so nervous that someone would not like what they had ordered ... never happened, just dumb insecurities I suppose.

24. I love the Dodgers. I love going to baseball games and would love to travel the United States and go to every major ball park.

25. I want plastic surgery. I would have my boobs lifted, just put back to where they belong and my tummy tucked. My stretch marks are outrageous, and although they are from 2 amazing pregnancies, I would love to get rid of the flap that lays over my C-Section scar.

26. I love shabby-chic furniture, I love to refinish it myself. Going to a flea market and looking for fun things to refinish is exciting.

27. My mother is amazing, she has always been my confidant and biggest cheerleader. I still think there is a lot I don't know about her childhood and I would love to know. Hot tea, english muffins with avocado, salt and pepper and an afternoon with my Ma. I love her more than I can even describe.

28. Nancy has changed my life, for the better. I have shed years and years of shame by seeing her. I covet the time I spend with her.

29. My dog annoys me. She doesn't listen to me, she doesn't want to be around me unless I have food, she is stubborn and the hair she sheds makes me want to lose my mind. I love dogs, just not her.

30. I wish I never stopped using my retainers. My teeth have shifted and I don't like it.

31. I love going to The Screaming Peach, being hairless is awesome.

32. I want more tattoos.

33. I love Facebook and am thrilled at the friendships I have been able to rekindle. God's timing is always perfect.

34. Caloy is an amazing husband and I often think I do not do enough as a wife.

35. I am a Daddy's girl. My Daddy knows everything and no one can ever measure up.

36. Everytime I hear Crystal Lewis' song, "Come As You Are" ... I cry. I relive the exact moment that I stood up at the Harvest Crusade and walked onto the field to be saved, no greater moment in all of my life.

37. I want a Jetta.

38. I love my nose ring. I often forget it is there and I just adore it, just a bit of sass.

39. I loved nursing my children, alone in a rocker, even at 2am, such a blessing.

40. I enjoy playing games, I am competitive.

41. Growing up in Seal Beach was surreal when I think back, it was a perfect little town and I am so thankful to have lived there.

42. I have been through a lot in my short 32 years of life, and I completely believe in the phrase, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

43. The Shack is one of the greatest books I have read in my life.

44. I love drinking water.

45. The only time I cried at my wedding was when I danced with my brother. Our DJ timed it perfectly and we danced to a song we used to sing as kids. At a point in the not too recent past I thought he would die and I praise God daily now for his sobriety.

46. I love how my children love my parents. I am so thankful that they live so close and will have the relationship with them that I never had with my own.

47. I love to dance and I think the invention of the ipod is the greatest thing ever. I love music and have great memories of music throughout my life.

48. I once threw up in a movie theater, into the popcorn bag and soda cup, I left it there in the aisle under the chair.

49. I love to eat chips and salsa.

50. I spray on Heaven Sent perfume every morning, just to remember my Grandma Betty.

51. My Book Club group is phenomenal, amazing women, fantastic life stories, and getting together to share in life once a month is such a gift.

52. Although I am a Veg, I'm not grossed out by meat, people can eat what they want ... really, it makes me sad, but to each their own. If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be Vegetarian, such suffering.

53. I remember walking on the beach with my Daddy and him singing "Surfer Girl" to me. I know the sacrifice that was made when they moved here, my Dad misses the ocean horribly.

54. I was not raised in a Christian home, but there are so many times I can see the hand of God in my life. He was always there, waiting ...

55. I love working at the YMCA.

56. I cry once a month, a good cry ... it is a release.

57. I don't want to be a slave to the scale, I just want to look in the mirror and appreciate all I see. I want to love myself more.

58. I think I am funny ... I also think I said that already, but it's worth saying again ... what is better than a good sense of humor?

59. You just never know what is happening in the heart of a person, or in someone's home ... my childhood is the perfect example.

60. I detest the word retard.

61. Hummingbirds are miracles.

62. I love my home. I love that my house is yellow and I have a red door.

63. I still get horribly painful acne, zits suck.

64. I am not good at math. I remember my HS guidance counselor telling me if I didn't pass the HS math equivalency test that I wouldn't graduate. I had wanted to be an architect like my Daddy, but when I found out the math that was required I changed my mind.

65. I like to read magazines. VegNews is my favorite.

66. There are only a handful of people that know every detail of my life.

67. Matthew's freckles are beautiful and I hope Grace will get them too. Growing up I didn't like them and I remember people telling me that they would go away when I was an adult ... ummm, nope, still there.

68. Jumping off Aspen Mountain at 10,800Ft was one of the greatest experiences of my life.

69. Hahaaa, 69. I am immature and I think it's funny ... I remember getting the keys to our house and when it was being built, walking through it and thinking, "I am way too immature to own a home."

70. I wish my family didn't smoke. It is the biggest heart ache I have.

71. My trip to Willow Creek church was a soulful renewal, God met me there in a way I can't explain ... I pray I am able to make it an annual tradition for myself.

72. I do enjoy cooking and should do it more.

73. I picked 73 things instead of 100 because I wanted to ...