Sad day.

Today my brother put down his Lucky dog.

Loren has had Lucky since he was a teenager, in the midst of addiction and serious turmoil ... Lucky was there.

I remember coming home from somewhere, late at night ... or early in the morning ... and Loren was passed out on our driveway with one arm around his Lucky dog.

The kids and I had the chance to go over to Loren's today and kiss sweet Lucky one more time ... she was 16, if not older ... kidney failure. Loren was so strong when the kids were there. They both hugged Lucky and said bye to her.

It's about all the memories ... Loren's journey ... all he has been through, all he has survived.

God bless you sweet Lucky dog. Thank you for loving my brother when I didn't think I could, thank you for keeping him warm when he was not sleeping at home, thank you for loving him unconditionally always.

My song.

This song is my anthem at this exact moment ... the YOU in this song is my daily struggle with fueling my body the right way, exercising and training as I should, my body image ... I've read online that some say the "YOU" in this song is a struggle with an eating disorder, or a drug addiction ... which don't we all have in one way or another?

Gravity
by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to You
It never takes too long

No matter what I still do
I still you feel here till the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains

I've never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in Your love and not feel your rain

Set me free
Leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am
and I stand so tall

I'm just the way I'm supposed to be

But You're on to me
All over me

Oh, You love me because I'm fragile
and I thought that I was strong

But You touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free
Leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am
and I stand so tall

I'm just the way I'm supposed to be

But You are on to me
all over me

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that You're
everything I think I need here on the ground

But You're neither friend or foe
though I cant seem to let you go

But the one thing I know is that You are keeping me down

Keeping me down

Something always brings me back to You
It never takes too long




My anthem. Love it. Download it from itunes ... such truth in these lyrics.

Set me free, I don't want to be held down by you, I am just the way I am supposed to be ... but something always brings me back to you and you are keeping me down.

Return to sender?

Dear Body,

Good morning. I thought I'd take some time to tell you how thankful I am to have you. I know that I am not always grateful, I know that I look at you in the mirror and always, always, always find something wrong and wish you were different, this is changing, slowly but surely ... I am on a journey, a quest, to love you just as you are.

I am thankful body that you always heal when you are sick. No matter the illness, through it all, you manage to heal yourself, and I am thankful.

I am thankful body that you have 2 strong legs, very strong, that can carry this woman, this weight, where I need to go in this life. You may be challenged, you may grow weary, but you still manage to continue, to carry me. Thank you.

I am thankful body that you have a heart in you that continues to pump, lungs that continue to breathe, a brain that continues to think, a tummy that continues to absorb all that it should. You know how to work well together, I am amazed.

I am sorry body for all of the poison I have put into you over my lifetime, for the times when I have had to much to drink, for the times when I have saturated you with sugar, processed chemicals and fake nutrients. This is not what was made to fuel you, and I am sorry for the way it has made you feel. I am sorry for the times I allow my emotions to drive what I put into my mouth, for not thinking of how it would effect you later, for being selfish. Please forgive me.

You are so strong, You are beautiful. Every freckle on you is just as it is meant to be, every stretch mark is a symbol of the amazing success of 2 wonderful pregnancies.

Let this day be the beginning of a new relationship. Forgive me for every having treated you wrong and not loved you as I should.

I love you body.
-Jessica

Balance?

I'm having a rough time finding balance.

I am working more than ever ... or in recent history ... which is awesome and I am thankful. I am loving what I am doing at the Y. I love the Health Smart program that I went to Chicago to train for, I love the results of the program and the relationships I have been able to create with people. I know that God is using me in this ... again, I am thankful.

In working this much though ... I am having a really hard time not "finding the time" to train, but "making the time" to train. I am in a rut and at the moment want to kick my own ass for signing up for the Half Ironman.

I hate satan because I know he uses the times that I am doubting myself to jump all over my insecurities. satan, I hate you. You suck.

Balance ... balancing it all ... being a good Mommy, a wife ... when was the last time I made dinner? How to do it all?

I can't.

That's the answer. I can through Christ though.

I'm having skin cancer scraped from my face on Friday ... my head is already swirling with excuses of having a stitch in my face and being unable to swim. Damn you excuses, that must be satan too.

All things through Christ.

Must. Find. Balance.

Health Care?!?!?

It's snowing this morning ... no surprise, as it is mid March and why shouldn't it be snowing?!?!?

Meredith Viera is wearing a hideous shirt this morning on the Today Show. Hid-eee-ous.

So, all this jazz about the new Health Care Bill ... I just don't get it.

I have health insurance and still pay a ridiculous amount for it ... we have a stack of bills that seems to go on forever. All these dumb old men, yea yea and a few dumb women, in their suits (which are always so unflattering on the chicks) voting for this all, just seems like such a show.

How does it all really effect people? Affect people? Isn't there a rule about which word to use? Effect? Affect? Clearly my brain is all over the place today.

I do have something FANTASTIC to report ... yesterday at work ... I got in the pool with the aquatics coordinator ... and she showed me how to do ... drum roll ..............................

FLIP-TURNS!

I am so thrilled to have learned how to do this. Took about an hour, lots of water up my shnozz, little bit of a chlorine headache, but damnit, I learned how to do it and I am excited.

It will take practice for sure, but it's definitely re-ignited my desire to swim.

Didn't I sign up for a Half Freaking Ironman?!?!? I need to get my flip-turning-ass in gear.

Ann Currey looks nice on the Today Show. I am intrigued by her. She is wearing pearls. My brother's girlfriend wears pearls ... they look so classy. I just don't think I am that kinda girl.

What kinda girl am I?

I am a funny girl ... and I don't give a $%#! about all the Health Care stuff ... bet those dumb women in their ugly suits wear pearls too.

Matt Lauer just chest bumped some intern kid on the Today Show.

Weird.

Happy Friday.
Peace out.

If I had a dollar ...

for everytime in my life that I thought, "oh I'll get back on track on Monday ... on this date ... that date" I'd be fucking rich.

What is it about food?

I am on board with not eating meat, this is not an issue for me at all ... even veggies cooked along side of meat, I'd want nothing to do with it.

It's the vegan part that I sway back and forth with and as I am plugged into how my body is reacting to these things, it is quite revealing really ... not the fact that I am paying attention ... ummm, finally ... but my body's reaction.

I have been so constipated lately ... horribly so. Is this too much information? Whatever, it's my blog. It's been painful, makes me feel lethargic and like shit, ha, literally. When I allow dairy to creep back into my diet, this is the result, I feel like shit.

When I am on my game, eating as I should, what is right for my body ... my poop is awesome. It's like that Oprah episode when she was talking all about poo, what it should look like, how there should be no effort ... I learned so much from that show with Dr. Oz.

Fucking food. It's annoying that we need it and it is my addiction. I couldn't pick something like crack ... because you don't need that. But food is everywhere, in everything, every place I am, and I am addicted. My mood can determine what I eat, how my clothes fit, if some kind of stress sneaks into my day, I will eat something different. It's fucking annoying.

Wow, poop and cussing ... what a great blog entry.

Oh how I love this woman ...

Hi all ...

Is this thing on?

Testing?

Testing?

1 ...

2 ...

Hmmm ... not sure if anyone is listening ... (err, ummm "reading") ... but here I am ... again.

Here I am, sitting on my great green chair ... thoughts being drowned out by the sound of my kids playing school, the dishwasher is running, the dog is making some chewbacca-osh noise ... and I was engrossed in my friend's blog ... I LOVE this woman, I hang on what she says ... I can't wait until she writes again ... and she has inspired me to get back in this, blogging away ... a place for my thoughts, my challenges, my successes ...

Thank you for inspiring me to be a better woman, mom, friend, athlete ... and blogger.

So, let's play a little game o' catch up ... shall we?

We shall.

The last post I had was from June in 2009. Matthew had surgery around that time, it got infected and we had an impromptu vacation at Children's Hospital in July to take care of said infection. This all derailed my training and racing quite a bit ...

I had a fun trip to Vegas last August, got to enjoy time with old friends, got a new tattoo ...


I am now growing out my hair to make a locks-of-love donation ... it's at the driving me nuts point now, but I figure by the time my race comes around in August I'll be ready to chop it all off.

Oh ... and ... "The Race" The Ironman 70.3 that I signed up for ... August 8, 2010. I must be in the best shape of my life ... no more, no less ... and I will get there, slowly but surely.

I have been sidelined monthly though as I am working through my migraines and all the bullshit that brings with it. I've had some really odd hormonal crap happen, and through it all, my body is getting back into the groove.

I have a headache right now ... which is thoroughly annoying. I had a swim planned at CU in Boulder, but knowing how I feel now, it will certainly bring on a migraine later if I push it ... so I'm going to walk around MacIntosh Lake ... listen to worship ... and make my family a great dinner ... this is how I have been lately, taking it all in stride ... I know what I need to swim, bike and run ... and I'll get there.

Again, this woman that I adore, thank you ... more to come.