Fear.

I didn't weigh in this morning.

I had Book Club last night, enjoyed a beer or two ... ok, three ... a slice o' birthday cake ... and this morning by the Grace of God, I slept in a little bit.

I did have an epiphany though;

I have a fear of losing more weight. Sound ridiculous? Where I am at now, I have been before, this is safe here ... I feel good here ... I know I want to lose another 20lbs, and I know I can ... I've been working out like mad, eating awesome (minus cake and beer last night) ... but I realized I am sabotaging myself.

After I had Matthew, I did Weight Watchers, with great success, hit my goal in 6 months and after seeing that number on the scale, I started back in the opposite direction, for years, slowly ... until getting pregnant with Gracie, gaining more weight ... and here I am on the way back down again ...

I am in my safe zone. I am afraid to lose the last 20, to be at my goal and then what happens? Has my heart really changed? What if I get to that number and start back the other way again? All those what-ifs start swirling in my head.

This I do know ... now that I have realized that fear and have caught myself in sabotage mode, I can do something about it. I am different now than I ever have been. I am working towards an amazing goal, and I really want to believe that this is the life change I've always wanted, Yes, serious heart change has happened, that I will see that number and be satisfied, that I will be focused on my healthiness, my racing, bettering my body and soul ... This is not a temporary fix, and really not about a number on a scale ... this is about my muscles, feeling confident and worthy of taking care of my body. I am worthy, this I am learning ...

No more fear, I will leave that at the foot of the cross, fear is not of God. I am moving forward, I am getting close to my goal ... I have a little over 2 months before my race. Game face on, no time for sabotage ...

Training check-in

I missed my weigh-in last weekend ... for an awesome reason though.

Caloy and I went away for a night ... My parents stayed with our kiddies, we went to Boulder, had an outstanding dinner, stayed in a beautiful hotel ... it was renewing and fabulous. I love my husband, he is such a good man.

This week I have been rockin' my training ... I have swim again tonight at CU. I have been dropping weight but I am really seeing some changes in my body ... in my swimsuit even, my legs, my shoulders, my back ... I'm moving in the right direction and it feels awesome.

Thank you Lord for my husband, for his support and unconditional love. He is so encouraging and I am so thankful.

I have a little more than 2 months before my race in Las Vegas ... gotta keep pluggin away. My Team CWW training will start adding a run after the swim next week ... should be great.

Aren't bodies amazing? All that they can do, be put through, endure? God is so good, my body is a temple and I will treat it as such ... Amen.

Drumroll .........................................

and the 1st weigh-in since my self-imposed-hiatus-of-sorts ...

-4.4 lbs.

Yes! In a week! 4.4 gone.

It just feels so awesome to have regained my focus, not that it was ever lost entirely, I am just renewed and it is phenomenal.

My training for my IronGirl race has really kicked in ... I am amazed even after a handful of official swim training workouts, how much I have learned and bettered (is that a word?) my stroke. I have been tired, but just the right amount, I am sleeping great and waking with energy. My "Operation Sanity" has been a Divine time for me ... I'm just in a rockin' groove and so thrilled ... yes, I hugged myself already and gave myself a high-five.

4.4 ... Thank you Lord, for the energy to train daily, for food that is delicious, for family and friends that are supportive ... I can do all things through You, all things ... all things.

I have a great Valentine's Day planned ... I am getting a pedicure, going back to the Screamin' Peach for my 2nd round, having a great lunch with friends at The Rio, which has the best salsa I've found in the state of Colorado and maybe even catching a chick flick ... I'll make a great dinner for my family and all day just feel bathed in love ... bathed, isn't that a great word?

I am bathed in love, is there anything better? (maybe losing 4.4 in a week ...)

Operation Sanity

You know that time ...

from about 4-ish ... till your husband gets home?!? Attempting to make dinner, kids are insane, the dog needs to go out ... my patience is running thin and I'm close to losing my mind ...

I have started Operation Sanity and it's been a grand success.

The Y Childwatch is open from 4:15-7:45 every afternoon ... it's free ... with a membership, which I get for free because I work there, kinda like they are paying me to be sane, ha! I've been taking the kids when Matthew gets home from school. Grace does well with Matthew there, they play and play, while I get in some awesome cardio ... endorphins flowing, and in turn I don't lose my mind. We get home, I have the energy to make dinner, to be a good Mommy, to let the dog out ... I am far more pleasant.

Operation Sanity ought to aid in my ultimate weight loss goal as well ... I'm feeling great this week, working out lots, eating right ... I am looking forward to getting on the scale Saturday morning ... been a while since I've felt that way.

On another note, today is 10 years ... 10 years since I was at Starbucks in Huntington Beach, CA, signing with my friend Vicki, while we were "practicing" our interpreting skills, I was in my last semester in college ... and a handsome Filippino man walked up to me and asked me if I was Deaf? I replied with No, I am an interpreting student ... we talked for nearly 3 hours, exchanged email and were engaged 10 months later ... TEN YEARS. I can hardly believe it.

Thank you Lord for the Y, for Childwatch, for the chance to workout in the afternoon and renew my energy. Thank you for my husband, that he decided to approach me ten years ago, for Your will being done in our lives ... Blessings abound. You are so good to me. Amen.

Back in it ...

I went back to Weight Watchers this morning ... and apparently some time has passed since I was there last. I was driving and talking to my Ma, pulled into the parking lot and realized it was empty and where my Weight Watchers used to be was now a tax guy ... ummmm ... $%@^!@? Good thing my Ma is internet savvy and she could hop online and figure out where they went ... luckily, it was just a move to another space in town, closer to home even. When I walked in and said I didn't realized they had moved, they said, "We did in December!"

WHAT?!?!?

Shoot, has it really been that long?

It was great to be back, to learn about their new Momentum program, to have things fresh in my mind and to make a new commitment. I am thankful.

Back in it ... if even it's been since December.