Fear.

I didn't weigh in this morning.

I had Book Club last night, enjoyed a beer or two ... ok, three ... a slice o' birthday cake ... and this morning by the Grace of God, I slept in a little bit.

I did have an epiphany though;

I have a fear of losing more weight. Sound ridiculous? Where I am at now, I have been before, this is safe here ... I feel good here ... I know I want to lose another 20lbs, and I know I can ... I've been working out like mad, eating awesome (minus cake and beer last night) ... but I realized I am sabotaging myself.

After I had Matthew, I did Weight Watchers, with great success, hit my goal in 6 months and after seeing that number on the scale, I started back in the opposite direction, for years, slowly ... until getting pregnant with Gracie, gaining more weight ... and here I am on the way back down again ...

I am in my safe zone. I am afraid to lose the last 20, to be at my goal and then what happens? Has my heart really changed? What if I get to that number and start back the other way again? All those what-ifs start swirling in my head.

This I do know ... now that I have realized that fear and have caught myself in sabotage mode, I can do something about it. I am different now than I ever have been. I am working towards an amazing goal, and I really want to believe that this is the life change I've always wanted, Yes, serious heart change has happened, that I will see that number and be satisfied, that I will be focused on my healthiness, my racing, bettering my body and soul ... This is not a temporary fix, and really not about a number on a scale ... this is about my muscles, feeling confident and worthy of taking care of my body. I am worthy, this I am learning ...

No more fear, I will leave that at the foot of the cross, fear is not of God. I am moving forward, I am getting close to my goal ... I have a little over 2 months before my race. Game face on, no time for sabotage ...