Why the need to pull off the Super Woman act?
I often feel like my head is just barely over water ... dropping under for seconds, if not minutes, starting to drown ... then a little burst of energy gets me to swim again.
Have been reading a bunch ... about stress and the effects on weight loss ... or inability to do so.
And I have come to a conclusion ... I have a great amount of stress in my life.
I have to acknowledge it and stop the bullshit act that everything is ok.
It's not.
I am tired. I am weary. I often feel with the lack of sleep lately that I might lose my mind and go ape shit on someone.
I forget what day it is.
I haven't an ounce, not a drip or a drop of energy to even entertain the idea of working out.
The last week, I am pretty sure I have eaten my face off ...
So, Super Woman cape lying on the floor beside me ... white flag waving surrender.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
What I say to myself ...
So ... another successful week on my diet ... I am seeing loss, down nearly 16 now. Awesome.
But here is how Friday ended ... and today hasn't been too hot ...
Feeling sick to my stomach now ... Maddie and Emma are sleeping over tonight. Ordered pizza. Had a slice. Want to puke.
Why do I talk to myself in such an ugly way? And this is the nice part ... if I was to share all that I thought of myself at this exact moment, I might die from shame.
But here is how Friday ended ... and today hasn't been too hot ...
This is the dialogue in my head;
Friday morning ...
"I've been so good all week ... I haven't gone to Starbucks in 3 weeks. It's Friday, Go to Starbucks, You deserve it, You've been so good."
"Just get a tall ... I know you want a grande, don't be dumb and blow it ... get a tall."
"I'll have a tall soy white chocolate mocha."
"There, I did it, I ordered it ... now just enjoy it, savor it ... it's been a long week."
(It was good.)
Later in the day, we are home from work early-ish ... chips on the counter.
"You had the mocha, You kinda blew it with that, starting the day that way ... have a few chips. Just a few. Don't totally blow it."
(Ate a few.)
"You had some, just have some more ... go ahead and ruin it now ... you had a good week ... You are going on tonight ... just eat them."
(I ate more.)
"Wow, you can't even pass up chips huh? Too tempted? Maybe because I've been eating so strict, now I'm going over board? I suck. Failure."
(Date night with Caloy ... went to Boulder ...)
"Just eat dinner, enjoy it ... you've gone this far beyond your diet ... keep going, it's snowballing, getting bigger ... just eat."
(I ate a salad, italian dressing, appetizer-ish flatbread margarita pizza thing, dessert was a pizookie with ice cream)
"See how you feel now? Look at all you ate. You have no control at all. All that work this week and it's blown. You better exercise, or don't eat anything tomorrow."
(I felt gross ... and my tummy was hurting before I was even home)
Now it is Saturday. I had black coffee this morning ... went shopping with my mom and had planned not to eat at all today ... but Caloy's cousin happened to be in town. We went to lunch. Dammit. Here it goes again.
"Just eat a salad. Great, Caloy is ordering an appetizer. Only eat the veggies."
"Nope, shit I had some dip too, a few chips. Here comes my salad, ranch on the side. I fucking hate you dairy, I hate how you make me feel, but I haven't eaten it in so long, I'll just have it this one time ... "
"Don't eat the croutons, Why can't I just enjoy a meal? Why can't I just know that I am out with family, and look at what is on my plate and enjoy it? Why can't I let go of this fucking mental dialogue in my head."
(Kids want dessert. Fuck)
"You've done this for 2 days now. This has to stop. Have a little brownie and ice cream. You haven't had that in so long. Isn't it worth it? Doesn't it taste good? You can't turn anything away, You don't have the ability, Who is in control now?"
Friday morning ...
"I've been so good all week ... I haven't gone to Starbucks in 3 weeks. It's Friday, Go to Starbucks, You deserve it, You've been so good."
"Just get a tall ... I know you want a grande, don't be dumb and blow it ... get a tall."
"I'll have a tall soy white chocolate mocha."
"There, I did it, I ordered it ... now just enjoy it, savor it ... it's been a long week."
(It was good.)
Later in the day, we are home from work early-ish ... chips on the counter.
"You had the mocha, You kinda blew it with that, starting the day that way ... have a few chips. Just a few. Don't totally blow it."
(Ate a few.)
"You had some, just have some more ... go ahead and ruin it now ... you had a good week ... You are going on tonight ... just eat them."
(I ate more.)
"Wow, you can't even pass up chips huh? Too tempted? Maybe because I've been eating so strict, now I'm going over board? I suck. Failure."
(Date night with Caloy ... went to Boulder ...)
"Just eat dinner, enjoy it ... you've gone this far beyond your diet ... keep going, it's snowballing, getting bigger ... just eat."
(I ate a salad, italian dressing, appetizer-ish flatbread margarita pizza thing, dessert was a pizookie with ice cream)
"See how you feel now? Look at all you ate. You have no control at all. All that work this week and it's blown. You better exercise, or don't eat anything tomorrow."
(I felt gross ... and my tummy was hurting before I was even home)
Now it is Saturday. I had black coffee this morning ... went shopping with my mom and had planned not to eat at all today ... but Caloy's cousin happened to be in town. We went to lunch. Dammit. Here it goes again.
"Just eat a salad. Great, Caloy is ordering an appetizer. Only eat the veggies."
"Nope, shit I had some dip too, a few chips. Here comes my salad, ranch on the side. I fucking hate you dairy, I hate how you make me feel, but I haven't eaten it in so long, I'll just have it this one time ... "
"Don't eat the croutons, Why can't I just enjoy a meal? Why can't I just know that I am out with family, and look at what is on my plate and enjoy it? Why can't I let go of this fucking mental dialogue in my head."
(Kids want dessert. Fuck)
"You've done this for 2 days now. This has to stop. Have a little brownie and ice cream. You haven't had that in so long. Isn't it worth it? Doesn't it taste good? You can't turn anything away, You don't have the ability, Who is in control now?"
Feeling sick to my stomach now ... Maddie and Emma are sleeping over tonight. Ordered pizza. Had a slice. Want to puke.
Why do I talk to myself in such an ugly way? And this is the nice part ... if I was to share all that I thought of myself at this exact moment, I might die from shame.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Women, Food and God
Heard of it?
The author was just on Oprah ... so unless you live in a cave, I suppose by now you might have heard of it.
Picked it up at Target ... can't put it down ... well, I put it down to type this ... but if I could I'd have one eye here and another on the book ... that would be some awesome multi-tasking.
Some people I have talked to are put off because the "God" in the author's reference is not the one I know, not my Savior, not the King of Kings ... but I am still reading it, because every time it says "God", I just put in my Papa, my Lord, my Redeemer ... and keep reading.
I just read the chapter called "Never Underestimate the Inclination to Bolt." Ha, so true ... and although I see myself as an outgoing-face-it-and-deal-kinda-chick ... it is in there, the desire to run, to plop my face into a plate of frosted brownies to somehow deal with whatever I might be feeling.
The author was just on Oprah ... so unless you live in a cave, I suppose by now you might have heard of it.
Picked it up at Target ... can't put it down ... well, I put it down to type this ... but if I could I'd have one eye here and another on the book ... that would be some awesome multi-tasking.
Some people I have talked to are put off because the "God" in the author's reference is not the one I know, not my Savior, not the King of Kings ... but I am still reading it, because every time it says "God", I just put in my Papa, my Lord, my Redeemer ... and keep reading.
I just read the chapter called "Never Underestimate the Inclination to Bolt." Ha, so true ... and although I see myself as an outgoing-face-it-and-deal-kinda-chick ... it is in there, the desire to run, to plop my face into a plate of frosted brownies to somehow deal with whatever I might be feeling.
"Compulsive eating is an attempt to avoid the absence of (love, comfort, knowing what to do) when we find ourselves in the desert of a particular moment, a feeling, a situation. In the process of resisting the emptiness, in the act of turning away from our feelings, of trying and trying again to lose the same 20, 50, 80 lbs, we ignore what could utterly transform us. But when we welcome what we most want to avoid, we evoke that in us that is not a story, not caught in the past, not some old image of ourselves. We evoke divinity itself, And in doing so, we can hold emptiness, old hurts, fear in our cupped hands and behold our missing hearts." Pg. 34
This is a book I think I'll be re-reading ... like The Shack. It's nearly 7am and I should be to work in 10 minutes ... my kids are still sleeping. Back to reading ... work can wait.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Letting Go ...
I had resolved several weeks back to continue training for my Half IronMan ... and today I am letting it go ...
Not the goal, I know I'll do it eventually ... this summer it's not happening, and I am ok with that.
In light of what is coming with Matthew ... I am letting it go. I can't pretend that I will have the time, strength or energy through July to train, and I am ok with that.
I need to be his Mommy, I need to be there when he calls, and I am ok with that.
I am ok with this ... I am letting it go ... for now.
Not the goal, I know I'll do it eventually ... this summer it's not happening, and I am ok with that.
In light of what is coming with Matthew ... I am letting it go. I can't pretend that I will have the time, strength or energy through July to train, and I am ok with that.
I need to be his Mommy, I need to be there when he calls, and I am ok with that.
I am ok with this ... I am letting it go ... for now.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Rain + Hormones = Weepy mess.
Whew ... I am a weepy mess this morning.
Had an AWESOME Saturday. I went to work ... had the 1st of our "Second Saturday Series" for the Health Smart Behavior graduates ... was great to see people that had completed the 1st cohort ... hear how they have been since the class finished.
Then, I went up to G's house ... we drove to Fort Collins and met up with some friends, new and old. Had a nice lunch ... allowed myself to indulge in the midst of this diet (paying for it today with rockin' diarrhea ... too much information?) We went to a place in town that had swings at the bar, I wasn't drinking ... stone cold sober, Thriller came on the radio ... What's a girl to do?
Yep, I moved tables and made a dance floor so I could do the dance ... mid-afternoon on a rainy Saturday, everyone applauded. My mom commented when I told her later on the phone, "Wow, it must be hard being so shy!"
We ended up a little place in Johnstown called "The Corral" ... again, not drinking. I had coffee at 9pm. And ... lucky me ... it was Karaoke night. I did my go-to song, "Let's Hear It for The Boy" by Denise Williams, the Karaoke DJ, asked me to do a duet ... ha, we sang "Cruisin" the version from Huey Lewis (sp?) and Gweneth Paltrow (sp?). It was awesome. G and I sang some Abba ... and I got to do a reprise of Thriller for everyone in the bar ... complete with dance break. It was awesome.
So, here I am this morning, with a grateful heart for a fun Saturday ... it's raining ... listening to some sweet music and just feeling weepy ... missing friends, playing cards with Matthew, enjoying some coffee, feeling nostalgic ... damn hormones ... theraputic to just let tears fall sometimes. So much to be thankful for ... dancing and singing to Thriller twice in one day ... on the top of my list.
Had an AWESOME Saturday. I went to work ... had the 1st of our "Second Saturday Series" for the Health Smart Behavior graduates ... was great to see people that had completed the 1st cohort ... hear how they have been since the class finished.
Then, I went up to G's house ... we drove to Fort Collins and met up with some friends, new and old. Had a nice lunch ... allowed myself to indulge in the midst of this diet (paying for it today with rockin' diarrhea ... too much information?) We went to a place in town that had swings at the bar, I wasn't drinking ... stone cold sober, Thriller came on the radio ... What's a girl to do?
Yep, I moved tables and made a dance floor so I could do the dance ... mid-afternoon on a rainy Saturday, everyone applauded. My mom commented when I told her later on the phone, "Wow, it must be hard being so shy!"
We ended up a little place in Johnstown called "The Corral" ... again, not drinking. I had coffee at 9pm. And ... lucky me ... it was Karaoke night. I did my go-to song, "Let's Hear It for The Boy" by Denise Williams, the Karaoke DJ, asked me to do a duet ... ha, we sang "Cruisin" the version from Huey Lewis (sp?) and Gweneth Paltrow (sp?). It was awesome. G and I sang some Abba ... and I got to do a reprise of Thriller for everyone in the bar ... complete with dance break. It was awesome.
So, here I am this morning, with a grateful heart for a fun Saturday ... it's raining ... listening to some sweet music and just feeling weepy ... missing friends, playing cards with Matthew, enjoying some coffee, feeling nostalgic ... damn hormones ... theraputic to just let tears fall sometimes. So much to be thankful for ... dancing and singing to Thriller twice in one day ... on the top of my list.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
For the 1st time ...
in 16 years ...
I am eating chicken.
Yep ... chicken ... me ... eating it. Yep.
I'm doing the entirely organic, free range deal ... and paying a buttload for it. Buttload ... such a great word. I need to use it more often.
Buttload.
Buttload.
Buttload.
Soooooooooo ... in that DRASTIC diet change ... I have lost TEN pounds. Yep. Nuts huh?
TEN.
I am thrilled.
Buttload.
There, had to say it once more.
I am eating chicken.
Yep ... chicken ... me ... eating it. Yep.
I'm doing the entirely organic, free range deal ... and paying a buttload for it. Buttload ... such a great word. I need to use it more often.
Buttload.
Buttload.
Buttload.
Soooooooooo ... in that DRASTIC diet change ... I have lost TEN pounds. Yep. Nuts huh?
TEN.
I am thrilled.
Buttload.
There, had to say it once more.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Fantastic Friday Run
Damn, I feel good.
I had a GREAT run ... beautiful day ... slight breeze ... rockin' tunes ...
Just feels fantastic.
Thank you Jesus for giving me a body that can move, for a heart that pumps life through my entire being, for muscles that are strong enough to carry me, for feet that are fast and lungs that expand with every breath of You. Thank you for the arms that sway to the music I hear, for my eyes to take in the beauty that surrounds me. I love you.
I had a GREAT run ... beautiful day ... slight breeze ... rockin' tunes ...
Just feels fantastic.
Thank you Jesus for giving me a body that can move, for a heart that pumps life through my entire being, for muscles that are strong enough to carry me, for feet that are fast and lungs that expand with every breath of You. Thank you for the arms that sway to the music I hear, for my eyes to take in the beauty that surrounds me. I love you.
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