But here is how Friday ended ... and today hasn't been too hot ...
This is the dialogue in my head;
Friday morning ...
"I've been so good all week ... I haven't gone to Starbucks in 3 weeks. It's Friday, Go to Starbucks, You deserve it, You've been so good."
"Just get a tall ... I know you want a grande, don't be dumb and blow it ... get a tall."
"I'll have a tall soy white chocolate mocha."
"There, I did it, I ordered it ... now just enjoy it, savor it ... it's been a long week."
(It was good.)
Later in the day, we are home from work early-ish ... chips on the counter.
"You had the mocha, You kinda blew it with that, starting the day that way ... have a few chips. Just a few. Don't totally blow it."
(Ate a few.)
"You had some, just have some more ... go ahead and ruin it now ... you had a good week ... You are going on tonight ... just eat them."
(I ate more.)
"Wow, you can't even pass up chips huh? Too tempted? Maybe because I've been eating so strict, now I'm going over board? I suck. Failure."
(Date night with Caloy ... went to Boulder ...)
"Just eat dinner, enjoy it ... you've gone this far beyond your diet ... keep going, it's snowballing, getting bigger ... just eat."
(I ate a salad, italian dressing, appetizer-ish flatbread margarita pizza thing, dessert was a pizookie with ice cream)
"See how you feel now? Look at all you ate. You have no control at all. All that work this week and it's blown. You better exercise, or don't eat anything tomorrow."
(I felt gross ... and my tummy was hurting before I was even home)
Now it is Saturday. I had black coffee this morning ... went shopping with my mom and had planned not to eat at all today ... but Caloy's cousin happened to be in town. We went to lunch. Dammit. Here it goes again.
"Just eat a salad. Great, Caloy is ordering an appetizer. Only eat the veggies."
"Nope, shit I had some dip too, a few chips. Here comes my salad, ranch on the side. I fucking hate you dairy, I hate how you make me feel, but I haven't eaten it in so long, I'll just have it this one time ... "
"Don't eat the croutons, Why can't I just enjoy a meal? Why can't I just know that I am out with family, and look at what is on my plate and enjoy it? Why can't I let go of this fucking mental dialogue in my head."
(Kids want dessert. Fuck)
"You've done this for 2 days now. This has to stop. Have a little brownie and ice cream. You haven't had that in so long. Isn't it worth it? Doesn't it taste good? You can't turn anything away, You don't have the ability, Who is in control now?"
Friday morning ...
"I've been so good all week ... I haven't gone to Starbucks in 3 weeks. It's Friday, Go to Starbucks, You deserve it, You've been so good."
"Just get a tall ... I know you want a grande, don't be dumb and blow it ... get a tall."
"I'll have a tall soy white chocolate mocha."
"There, I did it, I ordered it ... now just enjoy it, savor it ... it's been a long week."
(It was good.)
Later in the day, we are home from work early-ish ... chips on the counter.
"You had the mocha, You kinda blew it with that, starting the day that way ... have a few chips. Just a few. Don't totally blow it."
(Ate a few.)
"You had some, just have some more ... go ahead and ruin it now ... you had a good week ... You are going on tonight ... just eat them."
(I ate more.)
"Wow, you can't even pass up chips huh? Too tempted? Maybe because I've been eating so strict, now I'm going over board? I suck. Failure."
(Date night with Caloy ... went to Boulder ...)
"Just eat dinner, enjoy it ... you've gone this far beyond your diet ... keep going, it's snowballing, getting bigger ... just eat."
(I ate a salad, italian dressing, appetizer-ish flatbread margarita pizza thing, dessert was a pizookie with ice cream)
"See how you feel now? Look at all you ate. You have no control at all. All that work this week and it's blown. You better exercise, or don't eat anything tomorrow."
(I felt gross ... and my tummy was hurting before I was even home)
Now it is Saturday. I had black coffee this morning ... went shopping with my mom and had planned not to eat at all today ... but Caloy's cousin happened to be in town. We went to lunch. Dammit. Here it goes again.
"Just eat a salad. Great, Caloy is ordering an appetizer. Only eat the veggies."
"Nope, shit I had some dip too, a few chips. Here comes my salad, ranch on the side. I fucking hate you dairy, I hate how you make me feel, but I haven't eaten it in so long, I'll just have it this one time ... "
"Don't eat the croutons, Why can't I just enjoy a meal? Why can't I just know that I am out with family, and look at what is on my plate and enjoy it? Why can't I let go of this fucking mental dialogue in my head."
(Kids want dessert. Fuck)
"You've done this for 2 days now. This has to stop. Have a little brownie and ice cream. You haven't had that in so long. Isn't it worth it? Doesn't it taste good? You can't turn anything away, You don't have the ability, Who is in control now?"
Feeling sick to my stomach now ... Maddie and Emma are sleeping over tonight. Ordered pizza. Had a slice. Want to puke.
Why do I talk to myself in such an ugly way? And this is the nice part ... if I was to share all that I thought of myself at this exact moment, I might die from shame.
2 comments:
Thank you for your honesty. Isn't it remarkable how awful we can be to ourselves? Despite the fact that you lost 16 lbs! Thank you for sharing...you are certainly not alone! How do you define success? Is it the number on the scale? Or is it the small choices throughout the day? How do we stop the cascade?
You are wonderful, worthy and fabulous. Please don't give up...two days is just a blip! Pray pray pray!!
You are beautiful, strong and real. Never condemn yourself for the failures you see...praise yourself for starting over the next day and forgiving yourself for the last couple of days if that's what you need. Press forward towards the goal. Know that you are strong enough to continue. Failing is quitting completely and never starting up again. We love you!
Post a Comment