Here goes nothin' ...

I'm gonna be fine in 2009.

2009 will be Divine.

My shoes will shine in 2009.

I will drink wine in 2009.

2009, I will not walk the line ... after drinking wine? Fine.

I will most certainly dine in 2009.

2009 is mine.

2009, send me a sign.

Here goes nothin'

Bring it 2009 ...

One more thing ...

let me clarify ...

in discussing my families I was referring to my in-law family and my own ... my dear family, my mother and father and brother ...

we all have healing to do ... and the blessing is that we have the choice to start this very moment.

Peace

that surpasses all understanding ...

God promises this when we just trust and accept His gift of Grace ...

I've longed for that Peace for a long time, all my life, longing ... often without even knowing I was ... and I found it, I have it, and it came in a place I would have never believed ...

a church in Chicago ... Willow Creek, Sunday, December 21st 2008. God met me there, in a profound way, I felt a shift in my soul and I am overwhelmed with His Grace.

I know now that taking time for myself is not out of selfishness and when guilt surfaces it is not of God.

I have a life that is a grand blessing, a wonderful husband, children that I love so much it hurts, family and friends abound, a home that is warm, a healthy body ... and with it all I also have a husband who has a disability and communicates in a language different from my own, a child with continuing medical problems and special needs, one family that is the polar opposite of the family in which I was raised, much needed healing in my own family after addiction ... when it's all written down, the deep felt desire I have to run and hold my knees and rock in a corner is blatantly obvious ...

I have a life that is difficult, one that I have chosen, one that God has blessed me with ... and to cope and learn and grow ... I will continue to take time for myself.

Just when I needed it the most, God met me at church on Sunday, He sat by me, He held my hand, He whispered that it was exactly where I needed to be at that moment in my life. He talked to me, He understood my pain and above all He loved me, just as I was, just as I am ...

A Peace that surpasses all understanding ... the deep sigh of perfect comfort I felt has my head spinning and I am so thankful.

Christmas morning was wonderful. What a gift to be given to the world? What would this world be like if everyone knew and loved my Savior as I do?

I am coveting the coming New Year.

I have signed up for a half-Ironman Triathlon and I can hardly wait to begin training ... time for myself, time to renew my soul, to meet my Savior and experience His Peace again and again. Time to clear my head when life takes over ... I am signing up to be part of a Triathlon training team in Boulder. I will find races and travel to them, and come back home to the praises of my family, renewed, thankful and full of Peace.

Thank you Lord for meeting me at Willow Creek church in a way I have never experienced. Thank you for loving me no matter what, no matter how, no matter when or why ... Use me as You need to, let me serve You in all I do. Thank you for the chance to get away, to make time for me and to resolve any feeling of guilt that I bear ... Thank you for the continued healing in the depths of my soul. There is no greater gift this Christmas. Amen.

Detox ...

Whew, after a week in Southern California, I need to detox ... mentally, physically and emotionally. I've found another song that just rocks my soul; Superwoman by Alicia Keys ... I listened to it tonight after I ran at the Y and was in the sauna sweating away my stress ... the lyrics to the song are Divine ... the chorus says "Still when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest, with an S on my chest, Oh Yes, I'm a Superwoman" ... I could listen to it again and again ... I feel empowered.

I enjoyed our trip to California. I loved seeing my children run on the same sand that I did growing up, riding Small World with all the amazing Christmas decorations and watching my kids sing and dance in the little boat we were in, the fireworks over Sleeping Beauty's Castle set to music and just so exquisite, seeing friends that I miss with all my heart and their children ... blessings abound.

Staying with my inlaws for a week was difficult, so say the least. It is so weird to feel like an outsider, like I do not belong ... and I don't, it's just adjusting to that reality after knowing them for nearly 10 years. It is foreign to me, I have always belonged, I have never not felt involved or welcomed and to feel that way with my own "family" is hard. It's something I need to spend a lot of time in prayer about ... a lot of time, a lot of prayer ... I am Superwoman.

Seal Beach

Contemplating my life and the blessings that abound ... while sitting on the sand in Seal Beach.

Rereading my blog ...

So, I was just rereading my posts from last January ... being that it is nearly January again, this last post from the 31st really struck me ...

I feel like I am still playing the Head Game sometimes ... but I feel a grand sense of pride as well knowing that it is not the daily struggle it was before, Thank you Jesus ... I am making progress, I am surrendering and through it all praising you Lord ... Thank you for all I am learning, for the changes I have made in my life, for your healing mercy and grace. Amen.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Head Game

At what point in my life did "The Head Game" start? Did I sign up to play somewhere? Maybe after a few too many pitchers of horribly cheap beer at Mr. B's (when I was about 19) ... did a clip board come by and I put my name on a list to be a player in "The Head Game" ... was my drunk-19-year-old-self thinking "Sure, I like games ... "The Head Game" that sounds like fun!" Maybe I didn't read the small print and realize this would be on going the rest of my life???

Maybe I've always been playing "The Head Game" ... just sometimes I pay it more attention than others? Was I born playing the game? Do we all play the game?

What is it with my self-image ... that the voice I hear in my head, the voice that is continually playing "The Game" ... the one that is overwhelmingly negative and judgmental, the voice that is NOT of my God ... knowing it is NOT of love, NOT of my Savior and why do I give it a second thought?

Maybe by blogging about it, acknowledging it in such a public manner ... "it" will go away??? I highly doubt it ... there is a part of me that is used to "The Head Game" ... it is strangely familiar and horribly comfortable??? Is that possible? I've become a good player, maybe the best ... can I conquer the game? Does someone actually win it eventually? Will balloons and confetti fall from the sky at some point??? (sigh)

I can remember playing "The Head Game" many times throughout my life ... once I can remember clearly ... when I was in 8th grade. I felt the need to be on Jenny Craig. My parents took me to the place in Los Alamitos, and I remember getting food and talking with some woman about needing to lose weight. When I look back at pictures of myself and friends at that time in my life ... WE ALL LOOKED THE SAME. Ok, I had bigger boobs, but I always have ... I was a little more tom-boy-ish ... but again, I always have been. Why did I feel the need to play the game? Where did that come from? I am really praying about the answer to that question ... will discovering the answer allow me to stop playing the game finally???

I don't want to play "The Head Game" anymore ... I don't want to hear the voice ... "Are you really going to eat that?" "Just have one, give in, it doesn't matter ... "

"The Head Game" goes on and on ... daily, moment by moment ... it is ONLY a daily surrender to my God that I can stop playing ... that I can focus for that moment on what God wants for my life, for my health and for my body ... that's all that really matters.

Your will be done Lord ... I know "The Head Game" is not what you want for me. Tomorrow is a new day and again my first thought in the morning will be a prayer in which everything I have, everything I do, I pray it will glorify only You.

Forgive me for the moments that I am playing the game, that I am listening, if even for a moment, to the voice in my head ... as it sometimes can drown out Your voice in my heart.

My hands are raised to You, holding the game ... can you see it Lord? Here it is in the box ... the box is torn ... the edges are bent, the corners are taped, I've been holding onto it for a very very long time. Every piece, every card, all the dice and the directions which I have read over and over again. I know them by heart. I am giving You this game now Lord, for You to destroy, so I am free ... free from "The Head Game". I want to be free. Amen.

Monday morning ...

I'm breathing again.

Good news right?

Matthew's 8th back surgery went well ... the recovery is always a bumpy road, he is home from school today and resting more. Tomorrow his school, the Deaf Ed. Dept is going to the Cherry Creek Mall to visit the Signing Santa. I'll take him down tomorrow even if he doesn't make it to school ... it's something he loves doing every year ...

How is today December 1st? I just don't get it ... time is passing way too quickly and there is nothing I can do about it.

This Saturday we will be in California ... for a week ... I am excited, to see old friends, put my toes in the sand, and go to Disneyland ... not as excited about staying at my inlaws house and the overwhelming feeling of how they would like me more if I was Filippino ...

I'm going to get a rockin' work out in this morning ...

I didn't weigh in on Saturday, surgery+Thanksgiving+wine+pie would not make for a good weigh in ... although I did try on some new sassy Lucky jeans this weekend and I thought they wouldn't fit, and they did ... were loose even! YEA! It was a good reminder of how my body is reshaping, it feels awesome.

I have much to be thankful for on this Monday morning ... I'm listening to Amy Grant's "Grown Up Christmas List" right now ... fabulous song ... hmmm, what if everyone really understood what Christmas is all about? What if everyone gave to someone in need and just loved without judgement?

Random thoughts for a Monday morning ...