The Head Game

At what point in my life did "The Head Game" start? Did I sign up to play somewhere? Maybe after a few too many pitchers of horribly cheap beer at Mr. B's (when I was about 19) ... did a clip board come by and I put my name on a list to be a player in "The Head Game" ... was my drunk-19-year-old-self thinking "Sure, I like games ... "The Head Game" that sounds like fun!" Maybe I didn't read the small print and realize this would be on going the rest of my life???

Maybe I've always been playing "The Head Game" ... just sometimes I pay it more attention than others? Was I born playing the game? Do we all play the game?

What is it with my self-image ... that the voice I hear in my head, the voice that is continually playing "The Game" ... the one that is overwhelmingly negative and judgmental, the voice that is NOT of my God ... knowing it is NOT of love, NOT of my Savior and why do I give it a second thought?

Maybe by blogging about it, acknowledging it in such a public manner ... "it" will go away??? I highly doubt it ... there is a part of me that is used to "The Head Game" ... it is strangely familiar and horribly comfortable??? Is that possible? I've become a good player, maybe the best ... can I conquer the game? Does someone actually win it eventually? Will balloons and confetti fall from the sky at some point??? (sigh)

I can remember playing "The Head Game" many times throughout my life ... once I can remember clearly ... when I was in 8th grade. I felt the need to be on Jenny Craig. My parents took me to the place in Los Alamitos, and I remember getting food and talking with some woman about needing to lose weight. When I look back at pictures of myself and friends at that time in my life ... WE ALL LOOKED THE SAME. Ok, I had bigger boobs, but I always have ... I was a little more tom-boy-ish ... but again, I always have been. Why did I feel the need to play the game? Where did that come from? I am really praying about the answer to that question ... will discovering the answer allow me to stop playing the game finally???

I don't want to play "The Head Game" anymore ... I don't want to hear the voice ... "Are you really going to eat that?" "Just have one, give in, it doesn't matter ... "

"The Head Game" goes on and on ... daily, moment by moment ... it is ONLY a daily surrender to my God that I can stop playing ... that I can focus for that moment on what God wants for my life, for my health and for my body ... that's all that really matters.

Your will be done Lord ... I know "The Head Game" is not what you want for me. Tomorrow is a new day and again my first thought in the morning will be a prayer in which everything I have, everything I do, I pray it will glorify only You.

Forgive me for the moments that I am playing the game, that I am listening, if even for a moment, to the voice in my head ... as it sometimes can drown out Your voice in my heart.

My hands are raised to You, holding the game ... can you see it Lord? Here it is in the box ... the box is torn ... the edges are bent, the corners are taped, I've been holding onto it for a very very long time. Every piece, every card, all the dice and the directions which I have read over and over again. I know them by heart. I am giving You this game now Lord, for You to destroy, so I am free ... free from "The Head Game". I want to be free. Amen.