Here goes nothin' ...

I'm gonna be fine in 2009.

2009 will be Divine.

My shoes will shine in 2009.

I will drink wine in 2009.

2009, I will not walk the line ... after drinking wine? Fine.

I will most certainly dine in 2009.

2009 is mine.

2009, send me a sign.

Here goes nothin'

Bring it 2009 ...

One more thing ...

let me clarify ...

in discussing my families I was referring to my in-law family and my own ... my dear family, my mother and father and brother ...

we all have healing to do ... and the blessing is that we have the choice to start this very moment.

Peace

that surpasses all understanding ...

God promises this when we just trust and accept His gift of Grace ...

I've longed for that Peace for a long time, all my life, longing ... often without even knowing I was ... and I found it, I have it, and it came in a place I would have never believed ...

a church in Chicago ... Willow Creek, Sunday, December 21st 2008. God met me there, in a profound way, I felt a shift in my soul and I am overwhelmed with His Grace.

I know now that taking time for myself is not out of selfishness and when guilt surfaces it is not of God.

I have a life that is a grand blessing, a wonderful husband, children that I love so much it hurts, family and friends abound, a home that is warm, a healthy body ... and with it all I also have a husband who has a disability and communicates in a language different from my own, a child with continuing medical problems and special needs, one family that is the polar opposite of the family in which I was raised, much needed healing in my own family after addiction ... when it's all written down, the deep felt desire I have to run and hold my knees and rock in a corner is blatantly obvious ...

I have a life that is difficult, one that I have chosen, one that God has blessed me with ... and to cope and learn and grow ... I will continue to take time for myself.

Just when I needed it the most, God met me at church on Sunday, He sat by me, He held my hand, He whispered that it was exactly where I needed to be at that moment in my life. He talked to me, He understood my pain and above all He loved me, just as I was, just as I am ...

A Peace that surpasses all understanding ... the deep sigh of perfect comfort I felt has my head spinning and I am so thankful.

Christmas morning was wonderful. What a gift to be given to the world? What would this world be like if everyone knew and loved my Savior as I do?

I am coveting the coming New Year.

I have signed up for a half-Ironman Triathlon and I can hardly wait to begin training ... time for myself, time to renew my soul, to meet my Savior and experience His Peace again and again. Time to clear my head when life takes over ... I am signing up to be part of a Triathlon training team in Boulder. I will find races and travel to them, and come back home to the praises of my family, renewed, thankful and full of Peace.

Thank you Lord for meeting me at Willow Creek church in a way I have never experienced. Thank you for loving me no matter what, no matter how, no matter when or why ... Use me as You need to, let me serve You in all I do. Thank you for the chance to get away, to make time for me and to resolve any feeling of guilt that I bear ... Thank you for the continued healing in the depths of my soul. There is no greater gift this Christmas. Amen.

Detox ...

Whew, after a week in Southern California, I need to detox ... mentally, physically and emotionally. I've found another song that just rocks my soul; Superwoman by Alicia Keys ... I listened to it tonight after I ran at the Y and was in the sauna sweating away my stress ... the lyrics to the song are Divine ... the chorus says "Still when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest, with an S on my chest, Oh Yes, I'm a Superwoman" ... I could listen to it again and again ... I feel empowered.

I enjoyed our trip to California. I loved seeing my children run on the same sand that I did growing up, riding Small World with all the amazing Christmas decorations and watching my kids sing and dance in the little boat we were in, the fireworks over Sleeping Beauty's Castle set to music and just so exquisite, seeing friends that I miss with all my heart and their children ... blessings abound.

Staying with my inlaws for a week was difficult, so say the least. It is so weird to feel like an outsider, like I do not belong ... and I don't, it's just adjusting to that reality after knowing them for nearly 10 years. It is foreign to me, I have always belonged, I have never not felt involved or welcomed and to feel that way with my own "family" is hard. It's something I need to spend a lot of time in prayer about ... a lot of time, a lot of prayer ... I am Superwoman.

Seal Beach

Contemplating my life and the blessings that abound ... while sitting on the sand in Seal Beach.

Rereading my blog ...

So, I was just rereading my posts from last January ... being that it is nearly January again, this last post from the 31st really struck me ...

I feel like I am still playing the Head Game sometimes ... but I feel a grand sense of pride as well knowing that it is not the daily struggle it was before, Thank you Jesus ... I am making progress, I am surrendering and through it all praising you Lord ... Thank you for all I am learning, for the changes I have made in my life, for your healing mercy and grace. Amen.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Head Game

At what point in my life did "The Head Game" start? Did I sign up to play somewhere? Maybe after a few too many pitchers of horribly cheap beer at Mr. B's (when I was about 19) ... did a clip board come by and I put my name on a list to be a player in "The Head Game" ... was my drunk-19-year-old-self thinking "Sure, I like games ... "The Head Game" that sounds like fun!" Maybe I didn't read the small print and realize this would be on going the rest of my life???

Maybe I've always been playing "The Head Game" ... just sometimes I pay it more attention than others? Was I born playing the game? Do we all play the game?

What is it with my self-image ... that the voice I hear in my head, the voice that is continually playing "The Game" ... the one that is overwhelmingly negative and judgmental, the voice that is NOT of my God ... knowing it is NOT of love, NOT of my Savior and why do I give it a second thought?

Maybe by blogging about it, acknowledging it in such a public manner ... "it" will go away??? I highly doubt it ... there is a part of me that is used to "The Head Game" ... it is strangely familiar and horribly comfortable??? Is that possible? I've become a good player, maybe the best ... can I conquer the game? Does someone actually win it eventually? Will balloons and confetti fall from the sky at some point??? (sigh)

I can remember playing "The Head Game" many times throughout my life ... once I can remember clearly ... when I was in 8th grade. I felt the need to be on Jenny Craig. My parents took me to the place in Los Alamitos, and I remember getting food and talking with some woman about needing to lose weight. When I look back at pictures of myself and friends at that time in my life ... WE ALL LOOKED THE SAME. Ok, I had bigger boobs, but I always have ... I was a little more tom-boy-ish ... but again, I always have been. Why did I feel the need to play the game? Where did that come from? I am really praying about the answer to that question ... will discovering the answer allow me to stop playing the game finally???

I don't want to play "The Head Game" anymore ... I don't want to hear the voice ... "Are you really going to eat that?" "Just have one, give in, it doesn't matter ... "

"The Head Game" goes on and on ... daily, moment by moment ... it is ONLY a daily surrender to my God that I can stop playing ... that I can focus for that moment on what God wants for my life, for my health and for my body ... that's all that really matters.

Your will be done Lord ... I know "The Head Game" is not what you want for me. Tomorrow is a new day and again my first thought in the morning will be a prayer in which everything I have, everything I do, I pray it will glorify only You.

Forgive me for the moments that I am playing the game, that I am listening, if even for a moment, to the voice in my head ... as it sometimes can drown out Your voice in my heart.

My hands are raised to You, holding the game ... can you see it Lord? Here it is in the box ... the box is torn ... the edges are bent, the corners are taped, I've been holding onto it for a very very long time. Every piece, every card, all the dice and the directions which I have read over and over again. I know them by heart. I am giving You this game now Lord, for You to destroy, so I am free ... free from "The Head Game". I want to be free. Amen.

Monday morning ...

I'm breathing again.

Good news right?

Matthew's 8th back surgery went well ... the recovery is always a bumpy road, he is home from school today and resting more. Tomorrow his school, the Deaf Ed. Dept is going to the Cherry Creek Mall to visit the Signing Santa. I'll take him down tomorrow even if he doesn't make it to school ... it's something he loves doing every year ...

How is today December 1st? I just don't get it ... time is passing way too quickly and there is nothing I can do about it.

This Saturday we will be in California ... for a week ... I am excited, to see old friends, put my toes in the sand, and go to Disneyland ... not as excited about staying at my inlaws house and the overwhelming feeling of how they would like me more if I was Filippino ...

I'm going to get a rockin' work out in this morning ...

I didn't weigh in on Saturday, surgery+Thanksgiving+wine+pie would not make for a good weigh in ... although I did try on some new sassy Lucky jeans this weekend and I thought they wouldn't fit, and they did ... were loose even! YEA! It was a good reminder of how my body is reshaping, it feels awesome.

I have much to be thankful for on this Monday morning ... I'm listening to Amy Grant's "Grown Up Christmas List" right now ... fabulous song ... hmmm, what if everyone really understood what Christmas is all about? What if everyone gave to someone in need and just loved without judgement?

Random thoughts for a Monday morning ...

Life

Sometimes I feel like it takes effort to remember to breathe in and out ... my head spins with thoughts ... the what ifs of my life ... this doesn't happen often, but from time to time ... it's a comfortable place to be, thinking about my every breath, deep in worship, amazingly contemplative ...

I am there now.

I am listening to Beautiful by India.Arie ... from her Acoustic Soul album, she is an amazing song writer, her music really moves me.

"I wanna go where time has no consequence and the sky opens to my prayers ..."

I think sometimes its better not to fight the head spin, just to let it happen, let my thoughts go where they need to, to resolve whatever I happen to be struggling with and to then come out the other side feeling better.

"I need to find a place where I can breathe ..."

Down for the count ...

Whew, what a week ...

I've been down for the count with the flu and it's been awful ... at one point I was throwing up in the bathroom while Gracie was doing a mad pee-pee dance trying to step around me convinced she had to use the same bathroom I was already in, and Matthew was climbing between us to try to help her use the other potty ... I wanted to cry, or scream ... and I think I just ended up barfing more ...

Awful.

I got home from an awesome weekend in Texas on Sunday. Sherry and I ran the Fort Worth Speedway 5k. It was a super race, really low key ... I finished in 34:56 which was my best time yet for a 5k ... slowly dropping weight, I can hardly wait to see what my time will be after another 10lbs is gone ... I am on my way.

I just finished straightening up the house ... whew, it feels better not to have my home be in complete shambles ... I am thankful to have energy back, my tummy is not 100% yet ... but I'm certainly on the mend.

Gracie is napping right now ... and I think I'll lay down too ... I do need to paint though ... hmmm, what's a procrastinator to do?!?!?

Thank you Lord for my time in Texas, for my legs that carried my body faster than ever for the race, for my husband and children at home waiting my return and for my renewed energy this morning. You are so good to me Lord and I am so undeserving ... Your Grace is more than I can even comprehend. Amen.

Things to come ...

I am going to Texas on Friday, a weekend of laughter and renewal ... oh, throw a 5K in there too ... will be awesome. I am so excited.

I've been really on track this week ... pointing everything, doing my Shred DVD everyday ... love that I can feel the changes in my body. I am so thankful.

I am thrilled about the election ... let's just get this all out in the open.

I voted for Barack Obama.

I think he will be a transformational president. Many don't understand how I can be a Christian and a Democrat, and a liberal one at that. I love Christ with every fiber of my being, with my entire heart and every ounce of my soul and my goal in this lifetime is to serve Him, to share His love and to live as He would live. I also believe just as well, with every fiber, that as a Christian, I am called to love people, above all else, without judgement, "the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Galatians 5:6 ... I am saddened by people that would speculate about the heart of another person, the deepest desires of another's heart, people that would wrongly quote the Bible in hopes of changing another's view out of fear.

This I know, fear is not of God, my family prayed together this morning for the Obama's, for our country, for the world and in doing so, we praised our Lord and Savior for all that He promises, to make good come of every choice and decision that we, His people, make.

What would this world be if everyone just loved? ... without judgement ... just love? That was the goal of the ministry of Jesus, this life is about love, God's love and showering people with that, His grace, His goodness ... without judgement. This day will come ... and until then, I will do as I do, loving people, wanting what is best for our country, for this planet, for the souls of people.

Whew ... kinda deep for a Wednesday morning?!?

Thank you Lord for my coming trip to Texas, for my time with Sherry. Thank you Lord for the energy I have this week, to work out and eat right. Thank you Lord for the new president of the United States of America, and the promise of change to come, for us, for the world ... amen.

I'm so over ...

Halloween.

Whew. I am glad today is November 1st.

I didn't weigh-in this morning ... a week of candy and laziness would not have made for a worthy weigh-in. I did however run a tad over 5 miles and that feels awesome.

Back on track.

Thank you Lord.
Amen.

Weekend update

Ha, like Saturday Night Live, Weekend Update ... what a job they've been doing lately ... makes me laugh amidst all the chaos of this electoral season.

So, my Weekend Update;

I weighed in on Saturday and lost another 1.6! I have some concrete goals for the coming week. I will journal and point everything daily. I journal well, but often don't point things out like I should ... and I will also do the Jillian Michaels Shred DVD for 5 days straight. It's a rockin' 20 minute workout and I will do it everyday.

Saturday we went to the Pumpkin Patch which was a great afternoon of Fall fun ... peach cider to drink, caramel corn, pumpkins and rides ... it was Divine. Fabulous family time. We went to lunch, Matthew's favorite place, Red Robin, came home for naps, and ended the night carving the 4 pumpkins we bought. Great day, beginning to end, wonderful. Yes, I did journal and point everything from Saturday.

Sunday we went to church, much to my husband's dismay (he has a cold and therefore the world is coming to an end ...) I interpreted. I enjoy interpreting at church, the worship music is my favorite part. Matthew and I then went on a great date to see High School Musical 3. I love going to the movies with Matthew, I love that God gave me a son that loves to spend time with his mama, it was good for my heart and soul.

Matthew is going to read books to me now ...

Thank you Lord for this weekend, for the time spent with my family, for the Fall leaves, for the crisp cool air, for Peach Cider and sharing movie popcorn with my son. You are so good to me Jesus. Amen.

Cultural differences ...

So, I didn't weigh in today ... I made a promise to myself last month after I weighed in on the same morning I started my period, just not smart ... so I didn't go today and that is ok. I've had a great week, journaled daily and had rockin' work outs. I feel like I am down still but it'll have to wait till next week to see the true numbers.

I started today with an amazing run around Lake MacIntosh ... there were 7 hot air balloons in the sky near Boulder, the trees were golden and full of sunshine ... it was breath-taking ... the pasture was filled with grazing cows ... Divine run this morning, amazing time in worship and I am thankful. It was a good start to the day.

Matthew is STILL sick. I think he has a sinus infection ... I just had to get out of the house today, Caloy was left to tend to everyone and that was that. I had a great day with my Ma in Boulder ... shopping, new fabulous coffee mugs from Costs Plus ... fun things, nice time with my Ma.

Now, onto my title ... "Cultural differences ... "

I felt the need for another run on the treadmill when I got home, add a few more miles to my total today ... Caloy was on the video phone with friends he has reconnected with ... I think via Facebook, some guy and his wife ... Caloy told me before that this guy had a super huge ego but they used to be good friends ... so they were catching up on the VP. I came downstairs to run and Caloy wanted to introduce them to me and this is how it went ...

"This is my wife, Jessica" ... I then poked my head around the corner, waved hi, said nice to meet you ... that was that.

They kept on talking and I started running.

Caloy got my attention and he was filling me in ... I tried to look interested ... then Luis (the deaf guy on the video phone) got Caloy's attention back and asked him how we met ... Caloy explained, and his next question was where I went to High School. Caloy told him and as I was watching ... Luis said ... signed ... whatever, you get the picture ...

"Oh, she is hearing??????" The look on the man's face made me stop in my tracks. His jaw just dropped, he couldn't say anything, he just stared ... "Uh, uh, she is wh...wh...wha...t??? HEARING??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" It wasn't good. Caloy saw that I was watching his conversation and I held up a big fat middle finger! Not at the VP, but just in that man's general direction.

It is just the weirdest thing I have ever experienced to be discriminated against because I CAN HEAR? Really??? But these people exsist, let me tell you ... we know a good hand full of Deaf people that would NEVER marry someone that is hearing. It is so freakin' bizarre and it really made me mad. A-hole.

Whew. I love my blog and the chance to vent ... yea, I feel better now.

Reconnecting ...

I think the whole cyber-reunion thing is kinda crazy ... I have really enjoyed being on Facebook and "seeing" people that I haven't thought about in years. There are specific people I have reconnected with that I have really enjoyed getting to catch up with ... there are others that I decline their "friend request" ... I wonder why one and not the other?

It's so amazing to look back on life and to see what God has lead me through, the people I have met and the places I have been ... all the lessons learned, and for every one I am so thankful.

Then still now, via Facebook, to reconnect with people that I thought were only a season in my lifetime are now turning out to be like long lost friends, people I have so much in common with and it is such a blessing to be able share in life again ... now, with all life's challenges, to share how I've made it through, my story ... told to people I thought I would never see again, their stories impact me, and I wonder if mine does the same?

Pictures of marriages, families, children ... You married who? You live where? How many kids do you have? We share about love, losses, and lives that have carried on for 15 years since we last talked ... then suddenly how does it feel like no time has passed at all? God is just that good.

Thank you for Facebook Lord, for the friends of years past that are friends again, for the opporotunity to share in someone's life, to show them Your goodness and grace ... You constantly amaze me.

Tears at the drive-thru ...

What the $%@?

I am moping this morning. Not sure why ... Grace did not sleep well and she still has a fever. She is sleeping right at this moment though, maybe I should be catching some Zzzz on the couch too.

Matthew is home from school today ... Parent/Teacher Conferences. We had ours last night. It was ok. Matthew struggles with reading, as do most that have a hearing loss. I just feel like this year is such a sink or swim year for him ... to be mainstreamed. His teacher is very straight forward and said how distracted Matthew is. I asked if it was "typical 7 year old boy behavior" or something "to be concerned about" ... she said not quite yet, but to keep an eye on it. It was surprising that his test scored him behind his peers in reading, because at home, the homework he brings, he reads very well. He does well in math, loves to draw ... his writing lags too ... but reading and writing go hand in hand and not having all his hearing is certainly making this 1st grade year and transition into mainstream education a little more difficult.

Maybe that is why I am uber-emotional today ... I don't want him to struggle. I just don't, and he is ... I just need a day to be sad about it, and I'll be ok tomorrow.

It is cloudy today and I want to stay in my jammies all day, but I have to work at the Y, and take a sick child along with me. I want to eat crap and watch dumb television, thats what I want to do.

Sooo, the tears ... I drove-thru Starbucks, wanted a Soy Chai ... the nice lady in the window asked how I was, and I started to cry. What the #$%? I must be hormonal. Her little eyes opened so big as if totally regretting asking me how I was, then she tried to make conversation, when all I wanted was my Chai and a good cry.

I don't want to go to work. I want to be home with my children and hold my baby that is sick, drink my chai and cry ... is that too much to ask? Freakin' hormones.

And in being as emotional as I am ... I just re-read what I typed ... I love my little blog, it just makes me feel better to get this all out and to imagine that someone reads it and understands how I feel. I don't know why I put the stigma of Matthew "sinking or swimming" on him ... he can float around for a bit, maybe he needs a noodle to keep him up ... I'll be his noodle, I'll swim along side and make sure he doesn't go under ... that's what I'll do.

New goal ...

I set a new goal tonight.

I registered for the Iron Girl Triathlon in Las Vegas. It is an Olympic Distance race (thanks Reed) at the Lake Las Vegas resort. I read a lot about it, it is all women, and seems like a great event ... so I registered, done, paid.

The next thing I am going to do is join Team CWW and train with them in Boulder. Team CWW stands for Colorado Wild Women. How hilarious is that!?!?! Clearly the group is meant for me. I am excited to have a team to train with (thanks again Reed) ... scheduled open water swims at the Boulder Res, lots going on, training schedules ... I am excited.

So, I missed my weigh in last weekend, after losing decently the Saturday before, I figured my weight loss would be small ... that's my M.O. and it's ok. I know I am in this for the long haul, I know I am not posting huge numbers week by week ... I am paying attention to my cycles, to my energy levels, my emotional eating, the voice in my head, I am surrendering daily ... it's all part of the journey, a journey that now includes a new race on May 9th. Awesome.

Thank you Jesus for this day, for the chocolate soy milk that I just drank, for my new found motivation to get back into training ... everything I do Jesus is to glorify You. Thank you for my husband and children who are sleeping soundly ... You are so good to me Jesus, help me to stay focused. I love you.

Hot mama!

Caloy and I had a great time on Saturday night at the 8th Annual Hands and Voices Gala. It was so nice to dress up, have something new and sassy to wear, new earrings, a new bra, even new boots! We had such a nice time, we need to make more of an effort to have time for us ...

Another 1.8 ...

Yes! Today I weighed-in and was down another 1.8lbs. Awesome. It had been 2 weeks, but I just knew I was down. I had to go to my doctor's office this past Wednesday to get a shot of Toradol in the butt to relive my migraine. I got on the scale in her office, at a different time of day than my normal 7 a.m. weigh-in, wearing anything but my typical weigh-in gear (yes, I wear the same clothes every time I go to Weight Watchers, lots of people do, it's all about consistency!) and I was down on her scale, so I knew I was good. It was a weird sense of justification for me, like, "Oh, whew, yep, ok, my weight-loss shows on this scale too, it must be real ..." Weird I know. I did get to sign my name on the 10% loss poster today, I got 2, count em' baby, 1 ... 2 ... stickers ... and I got a keychain. That is a lot of excitement for 7 a.m on a Saturday, but I'll take the praise, stickers and what not ... silly, but it makes me happy.

Something that does not make me happy however is hunting. Yea, super dooper change of subject, but I think it is horrid and disgusting. On TV here in Colorado, you can watch people, men mostly, but tonight I saw a woman, dressed like a freaking tree, with a gun, waiting quietly to kill an animal that is doing nothing more than living it's sweet animal life. Why in the hell would someone hide in the brush, and kill a defensless animal? Just for fun? The woman that was on tonight was out of breath and nearly speechless, so thrilled with the sudden and horrific death she had just brought to a helpless deer. She went on and on about it's beauty ... and shot it! It is just so beyond anything I can imagine, it really infuriates me. Just for fun, with a shot gun, an animal in the wild ... I can not even begin to fathom how that can bring joy to someone. And, let me just say this ... this is not an "oh, to each his own ..." moment ... I am angered at the thought of someone doing this for sport, these people have other means for food, this is not for survival, this is for enjoyment, and I think it is something that is wrong, deplorable and sick.

Whew, alrighty (deep breath) ... moving on.

Tonight we were all in my bedroom, getting the kids ready for bed, and it was time to pray. Tonight Grace prayed all by herself for the 1st time. She always ends with us, "we love you Jesus, Amen", and lately she has been reminding us every morning and night that "angels watch us and keep us safe" ... but tonight, she did it all ... by her sweet self. It was a Divine moment, she signed and spoke, she said "Thank you God for food, work and angels watch us, keep us safe, good sleep, we love you Jesus, Amen." Her little voice melts my heart. It was so amazing to watch and hear. Matthew even said, "Wow Mom, Gracie prayed all by herself!".

I will teach my children to pray, to love Jesus and to never, ever, ever go hunting.

Thank you Lord for another 1.8lbs lost from this body. Thank you for the Divine day we had in Denver with our friends. Thank you for the prayer that Grace said, I can only imagine how it melted Your heart Lord, as it did mine. Forgive people Lord that take it upon themselves to destroy what you have created for good, to kill animals for fun and game. I know this must make You as sad as it does me. This world is broken Lord and I can hardly wait for the day when we are forever in Your perfect presence.
Amen.

Oreos and a 5k

Whew, I woke up with a bad headache today ... that just puts such a crappy spin on your day, waking up with a throbbing head ... I've taken meds, which I really think make me feel even more yucky ... now I am downing more water than a camel in hopes that I can drown my headache away ...

Last night I was so frustrated by the end of the night with the potty training war. Caloy went to the store and bought mint oreos ... my nemesis. I only had a few. The thought was, "oh, what a day, some oreos will make me feel better ..." They didn't. They were so sugary, grainy almost ... and they left me feeling nauseated.

I will count it as a victory though that I only ate a few and not an entire row ... which has been known to happen before. Why is it that feeling frustrated or exhausted leads to mindless eating? I'm going to ask Nancy next time I see her ... I know that I am doing better in this area, that I am continuing my surrender of emotional eating to Jesus, He can only fill that hole, He can give me peace, not some chemical laden cookies that just sit in my tummy and in the end only make me feel worse.

On the flip side, this morning ... although I woke up with a headache and have had bathroom issues for several days (that's another story! Flippin' digestion!) ... I still made the choice to workout on the treadmill instead of overeat. I ran the fastest 5k I have ever run ... and I am so proud. I still have a glimpse of a headache but I feel so much better having exercised.

Grace just asked to take a nap. Thank you Jesus. I am going to take the time now for a long hot shower, to shave my legs even ... to know that even though I chose to eat something that I probably should not have, I made a better choice today, to sweat out my frustrations and in turn feel renewed instead of worse ... I am closer to my goal everyday, I am thankful for the choices I have, the opprortunity to exercise, to eat food that is pleasing to my body and to pass by that which was not made by God. I am thankful for my treadmill, the TV in the basement and the Elmo DVD that occupied Grace, the shoes I have to run and the IPOD that supplies music that brings joy to the depths of my soul.

Time to shower ...

Pee-pee on the potty!

C'mon man! Grace is just playing me now ... really. This girl is soooo flippin' ready, it's killing me. She came into our bedroom and said she was wet. I asked her to get a pull-up ... she took off the wet one, put it into the trash, went into her bedroom, got a new one and put it on ... she changed her OWN diaper. C'mon!!!!!!

Today is the day. Cold turkey, or cold TOFUrky actually ... she wasn't happy to put on undies (I don't like the word panties) 1st thing this morning when she woke up ... but this is the day, no more diapers, pull-ups, nothing. She is ready and so am I.

Bring it on Gracie Lou, Mama isn't caving in today!

I love ...

that my dear husband had to be to work super early and he still found the time to make pancakes and coffee for us before he left. He is such a good man. I love you Caloy.

that my sweet Gracie Lou is sleeping so well in her new big girl bed, nap times are a different story, but I loved that this morning she got out of her bed alone and came toddling down the stairs with really awesome bed head!

this morning when I had the chance to pray with Matthew alone. We normally pray as a family every morning before Matthew gets on the bus and at night before the kids sleep ... but this morning Caloy was gone early and Grace was still sleeping ... so it was just Matthew and I. It was sacred and Divine, sweet prayer time with my son and I loved it.

the new red shoes that Kea gave us for Grace. She is wearing them right now with her strawberry shortcake jammies. I love red shoes.

that our afternoon driver, Janie, who listens to KLove and talks about God with Matthew, will start to bring Matthew right to the YMCA after school. I'll be directing that program and she can bring him right to me. How great to have a job that I can have both of my children with me?!? Fabulous, I love that.

the homework that Matthew has everyday. I love the time that we sit together at the table and practice his spelling words, read in his folder and do whatever else we need to do for the night. I love how much he is learning and that he is in a mainstream classroom with an awesome interpreter.

to think about Stacy and her bug epidemic ... it would completely freak me out if it were my problem, but thinking of her makes me giggle ... especially the gun shot sound as Eric smashed the roach.

that my Dodgers are making an awesome run, are in 1st place and are showing no signs of slowing down ... Go Blue!

So much in life to be thankful for, so many blessings, so many things I love ... these are just a few that came to mind this morning ...

Dairy and other random thoughts ...

This is my TMI (that means "too much info" Ma!)warning ...

So I changed the blog background again ... I love the one that Stacy has, oh and Shana's too ... I am just not nerdy enough to download it or do whatever you have to do ... so I am going with blue for the moment.

Just home from a rockin' run-walk-pick-up-cheerios-pick-up-blankey-run-pick-up-blankey-again-stop-at-safeway-to-pee-walk-run- ... All in all it totaled 5.05, said my nice lady in my ipod, so for that I am proud. I love how I feel after an awesome work out ... my body is sweaty and I feel fabulous, I feel renewed and full of strength.

My latest Starbucks kick was the new Pumpkin Spice soy latte ... until I asked what the syrup was and the 1st freakin' ingredient is DAIRY! LAME! DUMB! STUPID FREAKIN' DAIRY! Awwwww, I was super dooper bummed ... no wonder my tummy was a' grumblin' ... DAIRY SUCKS! It is in everything ... If only dairy was supposed to be consumed by humans ... as in the milk in my boobies is meant for my babies, the same goes for a cow and all other mammals ... I wouldn't give my milk to another mammal for consumption ... and the process by which it all happens is freakin' horrific! Mommy cows have to have babies for milk to be made, and those babies are stripped from their mommies and sold to veal farmers ... the research about all of it is just so disgusting and sad. Most dairy cows have diseased utters from the over production of milk and that's why all the hormones and crap have to be added to milk to make it alright for humans to have it ... this goes for cheese, yogurt and anything and almost everything that has milk ... people that have milk allergies quickly realize how millk and it's sick ass byproducts are in everything ... whew, I am on a roll ...

www.milksucks.com

So, I am ticked to say the least that my yummy Pumpkin Spice latte has some yucky milk byproduct in it. I need a rockin' coffee maker like Jen or Stacy ... then I can create my own yummy milk-free creations ... Oh, Santa ...

Matthew went to school sick today, he has a really yucky cough ... my kids are cough-till-you-barfers ... which I know I've said before ... I am awaiting a call from his school, Mother of the Year, I am.

I am going to start working more at the Y. I'll be directing their afterschool program (again), worth it for the extra grand a month. I can have both kids with me while I am working, a.k.a. playing ... and I think I've convinced the school district that Matthew's after school drop off can be just up the street at the Y. Nice. I'll still have my mornings with Grace, my Mom's group at church ... and pickin' up some extra money. Awesome.

Thank you Jesus for today, for the blue skies, my blue blog, my sassy and compassionate heart regarding animals and their welfare, my children, my fabulous husband, our adorable yellow house, my job at the YMCA, the bathroom at Safeway and the baked potato and green beans I just ate for lunch. You meet my needs in endless ways Jesus and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Amen.

Note to self;

Do not go to weigh-in when you wake up and have bled all over your boxer shorts and sheets ... starting your period on the morning you are supposed to go to Weight Watchers will not make for a good weigh-in.

Instead go to Starbucks and get a Pumpkin Spice Soy Latte and sit under a fabulous blanket (thanks Stace!)on the couch and moan until your cramps go away ... this will make you feel better than getting on the scale.

Devotion

This is the Devotion that I received in my email this morning ... This is what life is about, love and grace ...

In faith, I know these things to be true:

• God is full of love and grace, and he fills me with his love and grace.

• God’s work within me is to clear a channel for his love and grace to flow through me into the lives of anyone and everyone I meet.

• I may not be there yet, but I am “confident of this, that he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6 NIV).

• And I know “God is able to make all grace abound [in me], so that in all things at all times, having all that [I] need, [I] will abound in every good work” (2 Corinthians 9:8 NIV).

• He will make my joy complete because I no longer live in darkness, but I now live in the truth and have fellowship with God (1 John 1:4; 1 John 1:6).

• Through the “Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit,” I am, at all times, filled with grace, mercy, and peace (2 Corinthians 13:14 NIV)

It is all so basic really ... I am filled with God's love and I am called to love others, just to love ... not to judge, just to love. Thank you Jesus for your example of the life I am to live. Thank you for the Holy Spirit which fills my entire being. Thank you for love, for the ability to feel and know Your love and the ability to love others, and in by doing so, show them Your love, Your grace ... Amazing Grace.

Sunday

Hmmm, been a week I think since I blogged ... not all that busy but a lot going on ... you know how that is? Even worse, I don't really have anything to show for it ...

I didn't weigh in yesterday ... been fighting a cold all week, which by the way, I think I have won ... and going through my whole week-before-my-period-so-I'm-feeling-weird-and-kinda-crappy-thing ... p.s I ate too many mint oreos ... I told Caloy those can not come into our house ever again!

All is well, I am feeling good this morning. We are heading off to church in a bit, I am interpreting today, and will for the next 2 months probably ... it's a good thing though, gets us all there, which is great.

Yesterday I did a 90 minute Hot Yoga class. It is the most intense and cleansing exercise ... I really do love it. I wish it didn't cost so much, but it is worth every cent ... the room was 101 degrees, and just waiting for the class to start my entire body was soaked. It is a slow moving class, going through all the typical yoga poses ... it is just so calming and peaceful. The teacher is really wonderful and helpful, she has a great voice. There are clearly those in the class that know whats up, what pose comes next and so on ... My Ma and I just hung out in back and followed along ... it is amazing to feel all those toxins being released from your body ... at one point I smelled like onions, which made me kinda giggle ... a friend told me that smell is directly related to an organ and it detoxing ... hmmmm, wonder which one smells like an onion?

I've gotta work in the garden today, it has just taken over everything and needs to be cut back ... I have 2 canvases to finish painting and I want to go for a nice run this afternoon too ... sounds like a Divine Sunday. I got a great bunch of fruit and veggies from the farmers market yesterday, so I'll chop em' all up and have them ready for the week as well ... oh, and super fun, this Tuesday, I'm gonna meet an old friend for lunch in Denver. We went to HS together ... fun to reconnect with people, thanks Facebook!

Blessings abound and I am thankful, for this day, for our church, for a garden that is out of control and a body that smells like an onion ...

Welcome to Holland

This is a great poem written by Emily Kingsley in 1987. I think about it often ...

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I just sent that to a friend of a friend who has a baby girl that was born with Down's Syndrome. They are faith filled couple and their sweet baby girl will endure heart surgery on September 17th, she is only 2 months old. They are in Holland, as am I, I like it here now ... I enjoy the tulips and the windmills, in fact, since I've never been to Italy, I don't know what I am missing, really. I do know that Holland is a beautiful place to be and I want to invite our friends to join us ...

Pray for baby Lydia on Sept. 17th, for her parents Matt and Jackie, for their family, their marriage, their baby girls healing, and for them to unpack and realize that Holland can be just as fabulous as Italy.

TWENTY POUNDS GONE!

Yea, that's right ... today's weigh-in brought me to an official 20 lb. loss! I am so thrilled! My weight loss this week was -1.4. YIPEEEE! WAHOOOO! HORRAY!

What a journey this has been thus far ... so much I have learned about myself and still so much to learn. I love having my blog, being able to look back at my struggles and successes ...

Today I plan on using my gift certificate from my birthday and getting some clothes that fit!

Yesterday I did 2 laps around Macintosh Lake for a total of 7 miles. It was wonderful. That'd be a great Friday routine with Grace. We did stop and looked at the Prairie Dogs, some cows and an amazing array of birds. She seems to be really into birds at the moment, so it was fun to point them all out and sit by the edge of the water and watch together.

I am at my half way point. I would like to lose another 20 lbs and I will, slowly but surely, doing this the right way, learning from this journey to better health ...

Thank you Jesus for this day. Thank you for my weight loss this week, for my renewed energy and focus which I know comes from You, from Your Spirit in my heart and soul, thank you. I will continue to surrender daily to You, to let go of my past failures and to focus on this day that I have been given. This day is all I have, to love You, to serve my family and friends, to strive to be more like You, to exercise and use the body You have blessed me with, to eat what You have made to renew my energy, this day only. Bless my husband, as he works again today (yes, on Saturday), I am so thankful for his job, as it provides for our family and enables me to be home with our children. My heart overflows at the blessings that abound, another 1.4 loss, children that light up my soul, a husband that loves me more than I can imagine, a family that is always supportive and there when I need them the most, friends that are full of encouragement and laughter ... Thank you Jesus, Amen.

Recent pics ...

Matthew's 1st day of 1st grade! Really, how is that possible?!?

My new short-er hair cut! So sassy! I am enjoying my new style!

Pre-Muddy Buddy race ... still nice and clean! GO TEAM FERNANDEZ!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Yep, today I am 32 years old.

My favorite memories from birthdays past was when my Grandma Betty and Grandpa Ed would call and sing to me. They were the 1st phone call I would get in the morning. I can picture them still on 2 separate phones ... My grandma dialing the phone then calling out to my Grandpa, "Tigrone pick up the phone!" She called him Tigrone (tee-gro-nee) ... is that Tiger in Spanish?!? Anyhow, they would sing away and it just made my heart soar to hear them singing together. I always felt so special.

They have both passed away now. It is a weird thing when you no longer have any Grandparents, there is a sadness I feel when I do things in my life and still wish to pick up the phone and share them ... Remembering my Grandma Betty especially, she was my favorite, my Ma's ma ... just yesterday as I was coming home from a long run and I was looking at my cute yellow house and she just came to mind, I know she would love my house, I can hear her voice saying, "Oh Jessie ..." Goodness, I do miss her terribly. I do know this, she loved Jesus, so I as sad as I feel about missing her in my day to day life, calling to ask her how to cook this or that, thinking of how much she would love my children, I do get to be with her again, one day, the 2 of us sitting at the feet of Jesus, and for that I am so thankful.

So, this morning my parents called and sang to me ... which made my eyes tear up. What is it about birthdays? I always cry a bit and feel nostalgic. We prayed this morning for my 32nd year, for the blessings we have and for another year to enjoy them ... I would like a really yummy Vegan cupcake right now ... hmmmmmmmmmmmm ... Happy Birthday to me!

Life ...

is grand.

Sometimes I just sit back and am overwhelmed with all the blessings in my life.

Gracie is putting a diaper on her baby doll right now and she keeps taking it off and saying, "ooohhh gross!" like there is poop inside, ha. This has been our conversation as of late;

"Gracie Lou, let's go pee-pee on the potty"
"No, no pee-pee"
"Ready, to be a big girl and go pee-pee on the potty?"
"Not yet, diaper peeeease."
"Diapers are for babies Grace."
"Not yet pee-pee on the potty, not yet mommy."
"Ummmm, ok."

Nice huh? It'll happen eventually ... I'm not going to stress about it now, if she is going to Middle School in a pull-up, then I'll worry.

I love being home ... I love our prayer time together as a family in the morning before Matthew gets on the bus ... I love that my house is "clean" (in quotes means, kinda-sorta-almost-clean) ... that I am caught up with laundry, that I have great fruits and veggies calling my name in my refrigerator ... Have you had a pluot? Plum+ Apricot = YUM! My Ma got a box o' peaches yesterday from a road side stand, and they are simply Divine. I love that I am dressed to go run and getting into an awesome daily routine.

I am feeling so blessed, doing what I need to do at this moment in my life. I have today, that's all. When I run my go-to song is by Switchfoot, "This is your life". The chorus is "This is your life, are you who you wanna be?" I am who I wanna be and it feels just right.

I laid in bed last night with Matthew and we talked about school. This is how it went;
"Mom, why do I have to go to school far away?"
"You are hard-of-hearing buddy and you go to a school that will help you read and write better, because they have good interpreters and good teachers that know sign language."
"Oh, in 2nd grade can I go to the school by the park?" (our neighborhood school)
"If you learn a lot this year in 1st grade, and read and write and listen really good, sure buddy, we'll see about going to that school for 2nd grade ... but you will still have an interpreter."
"Ok, that's good."

Matthew amazes me constantly. His speech is improving daily, his understanding of the world and curiosity is phenomenal. Yesterday we went to Boulder to go to an amazing grocery store, where I bought the Pluots ... yummmmmmmmm ... and Matthew said he can't eat them because he is allergic. I told him that if he doesn't like them, it is ok, but that doesn't mean he is allergic and he told me, "Yes Mom, that is how God made me." Ummm, can I argue with that?!?

Caloy's job is really fabulous. They adore him. He is doing something that is challenging but something that he feels really confident about. The benefits are the best our family has ever had. This week is the Democrat National Convention in Denver which will make Caloy's commute pretty crazy. A lot of streets in Denver are closed so he has to drive a maze of different streets to get to work. He will get his bus pass this week which will be awesome ... whew, we can save some serious gas money that way! Nice.

I am still working at the Y ... I love working there. I love my "boss" (that is in quotes because she is way more my friend than my boss!) ... our staff, the kids, all that I do there ... it is a great place to be and I am so thankful for the flexibility I have there.

Soooo ... again, life is grand. Blessings abound, this is my life, I have this day to serve God and to love my family. This day only ...

1st weigh-in ...

in 4 weeks ...

and ...

I was down 0.6~ YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I do not weigh myself at home, but I thought not being consistent with my weigh-ins over the last month that I would have gained something ...

but NO!

This girl maintained her loss thus far and even dropped another 1/2 lb. I AM AWESOME!~

Gosh, that feels so great and I am so flippin' proud o' myself.

HOOOOORAY!

Oh, and back to reality ... we just got home and Grace pooped all over the floor, through her pull-up, down her jammies and all over the floors ... Thank God for hardwood floors! They are in the bath now and Matthew is telling Grace that she needs to poop in the potty! Ha. Thanks for helping big brother!

Thank you Jesus for my weigh-in this morning ... for my Daddy sitting in the car while I went inside ... I'll take -0.6 and the amazing feeling of maintaining my loss this past month ... through the end of summer camp, a triathlon, the muddy buddy and whatever other reason I used not to weigh-in.

You are my reason for this journey Jesus, You are my breath and life and I am so thankful. Amen.

Friday evening ...

Matthew is playing legos ... Grace is putting band-aids all over her little self ... Caloy and 2 of his friends just left to go backpacking ... and I am sitting on the couch. (sigh)

Caloy was home today getting ready for backpacking, Matthew was at school, so he had Grace all day and I went to work at the Y. Got a lot done actually which is always nice feeling like I accomplished something ...

This morning I ran again, yes, again ... for the 3rd day in a row and it feels fabulous. Twice I took Grace in the jogger and today I went alone since Caloy was home. I am thankful for the renewed energy that I feel throughout the day, for my healthier eating choices and renewed resolve to stay focused. I will weigh in tomorrow ... come what may ... gotta get back on the scale.

Since Caloy will be backpacking and my Ma will be at work, my sweet Daddy said he will sit in the car with my kiddies when I go to weigh-in. Wish I could stay for the meeting, but weighing-in will have to be it for the morning ... I'll take the kids for a bike ride or something ... before it gets too warm.

So my plan for the weekend is to just play with my kiddies ... get out the sidewalk chalk, stay in our jammies, watch a few movies, take rockin' naps and just play.

Lord, keep Caloy, Dallas and Richard safe on their trip ... bless the time I have with my children this weekend. Thank you for the runs I have had this week, for the sunshine, for the renewed strive for better health and for the peace in my soul that this is just where I should be. This life is about love Lord, loving You, my family and my friends ... and I do with all of my heart. Amen.

Wednesday Mornin' ...

And I am not quite sure what to do with myself ...

Yesterday was crazy. It was Matthew's 1st day of 1st grade ... he wanted me to take him to school and pick him up, and I am so thankful that I was able to do so. We (Grace and I) also went out to the airport to pick up our friend Richard who is visiting from CA. He and Caloy are going backpacking this weekend ... I was in the car all day long ... or so it felt.

Matthew got on the bus this morning, dressed and ready to go. He woke up on his own this morning, got in the shower, ate breakfast, dressed himself and was out the door. I can hardly wrap my head around the fact that he is in 1st grade and 7 years old.

Caloy and Richard went to work ... Oh, and I've got to share about Monday evening ... We went down to Wash Park to meet up with Caloy and everyone from his work. The Denver Foundation has a family bbq annually ... they do team building games during the day at the park, then families are invited, it was catered ... really nice. It was awesome to meet everyone that I have heard so much about. They LOVE Caloy. Everyone was so kind and said how they are so excited that he stayed with them and accepted the full time job. His boss Roche (row-shay) just went on and on about what a great guy Caloy is ... I was beaming and just agreed that he is an amazing man and how blessed I am that he is mine. They all loved on the kids too ... it was a great evening.

So ... that leaves Gracie Lou and I sitting here together, in our jammies ... what to do now?!?

I think I'll get dressed and put her in the jogger and go for a run ... the weather is beautiful this morning. Today is Matthew's early release from school, so when he gets home, a little before 2, we'll go to the Y and work for a bit ... yep, me and the kiddies.

Oh, and potty training is going ok ... she is better in pull-ups and making a good attempt to go on the potty, minus pooping ... that is another stinky story.

Here is to a blessed day ... home with my sweet girl.

MUDDY BUDDY!

The race that Caloy and I did this morning in Boulder was beyond phenomenal. It has rained here for several days and the course was muddier than you can even imagine ... thick, deep, sludge ... it was awesome!

I started on the bike and Caloy ran. We were separated by a minute and a half. The 1st go on the bike was smooth till I turned a corner and the path led down this steep hill of slime ... people were stopping and pulling fist-fulls of mud off their tires, they couldn't move. I trudged through as much as I could ... then came the 1st obstacle. I dumped the bike and looked back to see Caloy coming up to the transition area too! We had to get up and over a climbing wall and down a cargo net on the opposite side. I then took off running and Caloy was left with the muddied bike.

My 1st run was more like a walk or a jog at best. The trail was so slippery and the mud was so thick, it just wrapped around every step I made ... again, it was awesome! Caloy could hardly ride by this time and he had to pick his bike up to get to the top of a hill ... it was more like a steep mud cliff ... I was glad to be running that leg and not holding a bike over my head while climbing.

The 2nd obstacle was a weird tower-pyramid kind of thing. You had to climb over and under these beams ... again, everything is covered in mud, which made it a little more difficult but a lot more fun! Caloy had dropped the bike and he waited there for me because just down the bend was water ... We had to go through waist deep water, with the bike ... it was nice to be able to wash it off, but then your feet and socks were covered in lake bottom sludge. Once out of the water, I took off riding again and Caloy started to run.

At the next mile marker, I dropped the bike and the 3rd obstacle was a huge balance beam ... my days of gymnastics came flooding back and I was up and over it in no time ... and again, I started to run! All the people that were racing were so fun and encouraging. We made T-shirts last night that said TEAM FERNANDEZ ... Matthew wrote GO MOM on the back of mine and GO DAD on Caloy's. Other participants had some really creative and insane costumes ... tutus to superheros, smurfs and peter pan ... it was super crazy!

My last running leg was great and it ended at a super huge inflatable slide for the 4th obstacle! Not the normal back yard jump house style inflatable ... it was HUGE! I had to climb a ridiculously steep cargo net to the top and once there, I actually got butterflies since it was so high. The slide was muddied and slick ... so flying down it was easy. I hopped on the bike then for the last leg ... and Caloy was running.

I passed him and got near the end and decided to wait for him. It was right by the swim beach at the reservoir, so since I had a minute or two, I dunked the bike again to wash it off ... didn't help too much, but it felt good. Caloy came along and together we went to the finish ...

The mud pit!

We dumped the bike and had to go up a sand bank that had a cargo net laying on it, the only way through was on your tummy ... then into the mud pit! The flags that lined the mud pit were maybe a foot off the ground, so again you had to army crawl through it. It was ridiculous and funny, kinda hard to trudge through and unlike anything I've ever done in my life!

We had such an awesome time. Caloy and I cheered each other on, a few kisses when we saw each other, high fives when we passed, and we held hands through the mud. It was just so much fun! We will do it every year ... and encourage our friends to do it with us! Super fun, muddy and silly ... what better way to spend a Sunday morning?!?

Conversations ...

Tonight I had a few really great conversations with Matthew.

He went to Wal Mart with me ... and on the way out we stopped and looked at all the posters of missing children they have on their wall.

Looking at those pictures led us into a grand conversation about strangers, about what to do if someone would try to take him and why those people are missing ...
"Can I hit him, if he tries to take me?"
"Yes, Matthew you could hit him!"

We talked about what blessings are ... our family, our friends, our home ... we talked about that today earlier when we were organizing his closet for the new school year ... he was so happy that he had clothes to wear and he asked why some people don't.

As we were loading the car, a woman approached me and asked for money, she said she was hungry and I have her some cash ...
"Why does she want money Mom?" (as the woman is standing right there).
"Because she doesn't have any Matthew."
"Oh."

I love when I explain something to him and he just shrugs and says "oh." We talked about Jesus too on the way home ... He was talking about God being Jesus' Daddy ... and where do they live ... this is a big question lately ...
"Where does Jesus live Mom?"
"In your heart Matthew and in Heaven."
"Why in Heaven?"
"Because that is our home and when this lifetime is all done, we will go to Heaven."
"I don't want to go to Heaven now."
"You aren't, but when you do, I will be there, so will Daddy and Nannie and Poppy and Grace."
"Oh, then I want to be there too."
"Then you need to love Jesus Matthew."
"I do."

I love the little conversations with my children ... Grace is far more talkative than Matthew was at her age, I love the Whys and Whats ...

Thank you Jesus for the chance to talk with Matthew about strangers, to tell him about the blessings we have in our life, and to keep talking about You above all. You are so Gracious. Amen.

DONE!

Yes, Y Camp is over ... and what an ending it was ...

We had rain all day ... which is kinda rare here, we get some rain here and there, as storms come over the mountains ... but from sun up to sun down it was raining yesterday and the last day of our 11 week journey was spent inside all day. Our schedule was flipped around, pretty chaotic, but all in all (sigh) it is done.

I did have a great summer. My staff was great (all in all) ... no HUGE emergencies with campers ... it was all pretty smooth. I think we run an awesome program and I am proud to be at the helm. It is ridiculously exhausting, but it is just as rewarding.

Again, (deep exhale) I am done.

It is still raining today and tomorrow is Caloy and my Muddy Buddy Race ... and um, yea, it'll be muddy ... to say the least. Today will be a day to be home with my family, snuggling in jammies as it rains, watch a few good movies and rest up for tomorrow. We do have to make it into Boulder to pick up our race packet at REI, but that is easy enough. The race is only 6 miles. 3 miles are running and 3 miles are on a bike, there are crazy obstacles at every mile marker and the last one is the mud pit, which will be remarkably muddy tomorrow I am sure! I'll post pictures. I think Caloy and I will make matching T Shirts today. Team Fernandez ... something like that.

Priority Numero Uno having completed Summer Camp and Gracie having her last day at The Goddard is to potty train this little sass-pot. She is SOOOO ready ... pulling down her own pants, getting a diaper and telling me she needs to be wiped ... um, yea, she is ready!

Matthew starts 1st grade on Tuesday. His school schedule has changed and the bus will be at our front door at 6:45. Yes, you read that right ... 6:45 in the morning, dressed, fed and ready for 1st grade. Goodness. He is super excited about it though ... heart breaking really. I remember 1st grade, my teacher, my friends ... and here is my own child ready to take on education ... just feels slightly different than Kindergarten ... he'll have real homework and so on. It will challenge Matthew greatly, but he will be successful, this is his Spirit, to rise above.

Matthew also lost his 7th tooth last night ... yes, 7th. Crazy right?!? He has the silliest mouth of oversized teeth right now, big gaps and goofiness all over the place. He is growing up far too fast ... this summer has been great for him too, his speech is really improving ... I have so much to be thankful for.

Have you read The Shack?!? That'll be a blog in itself ... amazing book, really life changing.

I didn't weigh-in this morning ... In my head I think, "I will get back on track ... back on the wagon ... " but really my heart is saying, "You are, you have never left the track or the wagon ..." Life circumstances are what they are and you are doing what you can in this moment. No regrets, no guilt ... Just refocus ... and I will. I am.

Did I mention that Y Camp is over?!?

Jesus, You are my light, my breath and the reason that I am. Thank you for the gaps and goofiness that spill from my child's mouth everytime he smiles. Thank you for the sassiness in my Gracie and the opporotunity to be home and teach her how to use the potty. Thank you for the full time job You have provided for my husband, the amazing benefits and enabling me to be home again with my children. Bless Matthew's new teacher, Ms. Pray ... that she sees in Matthew Your light and love. Bless Caloy and I tomorrow during our muddy race, that our legs will keep up and our bodies will stay healthy. Jesus thank you for The Shack, the example it sets for a relationship with You, I am inspired.
Amen.

Excuses ...

I have a lot at the moment ...

Starting from a few weeks ago ... training for my triathlon, "carbing up" ... which actually makes me laugh ... after my race and resting up right? Ha, that makes me laugh too ... going out with people from work ... my in laws were here and holy crap that is a separate blog itself ... I've been so tired and work is a nightmare at the moment ... this Friday is the last get together with everyone from work and my book club ... I think. I am tired ... did I mention that one already? Just haven't been working out like I should ... been eating well but not journaling ... for one reason or the other, whatever excuse comes into my mind at that moment ... the sky is blue ... the wind is blowing ... this or that ... just excuses ... plain and simple.

I haven't gotten on the scale at Weight Watchers in a few weeks now ... and don't see it happening this Saturday either ... just got so much going on and something's got to give ... is that another excuse? Yes. I suppose so.

I am so looking forward to a week from today ... Monday morning, getting Matthew on the bus, being home with Grace, taking her for a run ... preparing an awesome dinner for my family ... just to be home and not have the stress of camp, running that show, the staff and campers ... just to be (deep breath) home.

In my head I can rationalize everything away ... I'll be able to refocus when camp is over ... I can get back on track ... blah blah blabbity blah ...

True yes. Lame ... maybe. It is what it is.
Going to finish reading The Shack ... amazing book, amazing.

Sirens and other thoughts ...

Ok, this one is long and random ...

Last night while I was upstairs in Gracie Lou's room, I looked outside and noticed how dark and scary the sky looked ... not the entire sky, but just to the North West ... I was walking out to my car on the phone with my Ma and she asked if I could hear the sirens ... Sure enough, I did.

Tornado sirens.

I decided going out wouldn't be the smartest choice and I went back into the house. I had the weirdest feeling in my tummy though, listening to those sirens ... then the National Weather Alert thing came on the T.V. too. I looked at my family, sitting together at the table eating cake for Caloy's birthday without a care in the world ... when outside the warning signs were clear.

The storm passed and nothing came of it, but it was such a weird feeling.

Certainly different than growing up in CA with earthquakes ... they would just happen, no warning signs, no sirens ... just shaking and rolling ... sometimes I would get up and make it to the doorway and other times I would just think, oh, another earthquake ... and continue on ...

Weird.

Things we can not control, which really is most of life. Yes, earthquakes and "tormados" (as Matthew says) are things that I can do nothing about ... but all in all, besides the silly choices I make moment to moment, what else do you do when you hear the sirens? Be with my family, stay safe and pray.

I have 6 days left of Y Camp ... 6 days ... 6 ...

I got to meet with Nancy today. I love meeting with Nancy. I am so thankful to know her, to be in her presence, to hear her affirmations and to share with her the deepest parts of my soul. I love Nancy. I am doing some great work with her. Today she brought up past relationships ... and as much as I laugh them off or think, whew, that was a bad choice ... they were all significant in one way or another. I have grown so much and for that I am so filled with gratitude. I am praying that with our new insurance from Caloy's job that I will be able to see her more ... Really though, I would pay her double what we pay her now, she is amazing, Heaven sent and just what God wants for me at this exact moment. Thank you Lord for Nancy.

My in-laws are coming tomorrow ... short and sweet visit, I'll put a smile on my face for my husband and I will go with the flow. They are just here for the weekend. Certainly, distance has made this relationship easier ... better? Hmmm ... easier ... yes.

I love America's Next Best Dance Crew on Mtv. I love dancing, watching dancing ... and this week it is all about the 80's ... really, could anything be better? I love the 80's music ... the dancing is awesome. I love dancing.

I have 6 days left of Y Camp ... did I say that already?

Tornado warnings, time with Nancy, in-laws on their way, dancing and 80's music ... Random thoughts but such is life.

Crossing the finish line ...

is the greatest feeling! What an awesome race today! The weather was Divine this morning. The water was in the 70's and it felt great! I had a road bike this time around which made a significant difference on the bike part instead of a mountain bike ... I passed several people on mountain bikes and I was thankful I was not on one. By the time the run came around it was quite toasty ... easily 95 degrees ... but it is all worth it when you hear people applauding and you run, arms in the air, yelling WHOOOO HOOOOOO, across the finish line. Can't you just imagine?!? It was fabulous.

I had a 3 solid goals for myself;
1. To really enjoy the swim and being in the open water.
2. To pass people on the bike ride and say "left".
3. To do the run in under 45 minutes.

I did all 3. When I had passed the 1st buoy I did stop for a moment and take a look around, just to make sure I was moving ... it is an odd sensation with all those people in the water ... after swimming at the Y in calm water you can see in ... then to be in water that you can hardly see your hand in front of you and the choppiness of the water, I wanted to make sure I was actually going some where. Ha. It was great though ... I love swimming.

The last time I did this triathlon I had a mountain bike and I was bummed when I was constantly passed by women saying "left" ... I was excited to be one of those women today.

"Left. Thank you. Left. On your Left, Thanks!"

At one point I was thinking about a memory from Seal Beach. Melissa, Randy (her Dad) and I would go on great bike rides on the weekend ... for miles and miles down the beach boardwalk ... we called ourselves "The Whizzers" ... since we whizzed on by. Made me smile as I was riding today thinking about that ... I loved those rides with Randy and Melissa.

Then the run ... I was happy to run in under 45 minutes ... my pace was around 13 minutes, which was great considering the heat and the mondo hill the 1st part of the run ... oh, and I had just swam a 1/2 mile and rode for 12 miles ... so yea, my time was rockin!

I got to sneak a peak at my actual race times on the Tri-for-the-cure website ... I'll get some pictures from the race soon ... and if possible, I'll post them in all my race gear glory! So here is the official breakdown;

Swim 22:19
Transition 7:13
Bike 44:24 (15.4 mph)
Transition 5:25
Run 41:48 (13.29/mile)
Total: 2:01:11

I think it is so cool how you get the official breakdown including your transition times ... just a minute over 2 hours and I can see how my transitions could be way, way, way shorter!

I am super proud of myself ... I took time to enjoy every moment and I praised God the entire time. It is quite a gift to have a body that can handle such a race, that can float in the water, that can peddle a bike and can run for 3 miles. Phenomenal.

I love this race because it is all women ... every shape, size and color that you can imagine. As I was waiting for my wave to go into the water, women were coming out of the lake and the applause for everyone was heart warming. My eyes welled up at one point when several older, and I mean older, women came out of the water ... they were breathing pretty hard but the Divine look of accomplishment was overwhelming. I pray that my body will keep up and I will still be doing races like that when I am older too. There will always be someone younger or older, thinner or heavier ... and I just really enjoyed being me, at this moment, with this body. It was a great race!

Thank you Lord for today, for the sunshine, the warm water and the blue skies. Thank you for the nap I got to take this afternoon with Matthew, as we were up all night long last night with him throwing up. I feel renewed and I am filled with gratitude. Onward I go Lord, following wherever You may lead me. Amen.

Morning Brick ...

No, not in the bathroom ... although I must start off by saying that yesterday I thought I might die. A wonderful Mom from our program brings in amazing cookies at the end of every summer ... and yesterday I was enticed by the peanut butter-y ones with a chocolate kiss in the center ... you know these right? I had one, two ... ok three. And holy $#%@ did I pay for it. My body was not happy with the trace amount of milk and it certainly let me know! Horrible. Ugh.

Ok, back to this morning ... I got up at 5:30 (thanks husband) and went to swim at the Y. I bought a new tri-skort-biker-short-dealie at REI and needed to get in the water wearing it before my race on Sunday. It is awesome! The fit feels great and swimming with it wasn't all that weird. It's that quick dry stuff, so all in all, a rocking purchase! Then I drove home and got directly on my bike which is fresh back from the bike shop, all ready to roll ... I rode a few miles, wet still and enjoying the sunrise. The tri-skort-thing has the extra tush pads for the bike ride, which you know, I wouldn't think my tush needs any more padding, but it does help. I know Monday after the race my hoo-ha will be aching ... but that is part of the fun right?!? Hmmm, that sounded weird.

An awesome morning work out. I am super excited to pick up my race stuff tomorrow morning. I feel very well prepared this time around and am looking forward to the finish line! Caloy and the kids will be there to cheer me on too! Matthew is excited for "Mommy's Racer".

Today is our last day at the sites we rent for Summer Camp. We get to move a million things today while still having a program ... it'll be crazy, but do-able. Then only 2 weeks left ... 10 days ... and I am home free ... with my sassy girl, Matthew back at school, mainstreamed in the 1st grade with an interpreter, Husband at his awesome job ... Can life be any better? Blessings abound, my heart overflows and I am so filled with gratitude. Thank you Jesus.

The Last Lecture

Tonight on ABC, there was a story by Diane Sawyer about Randy Pausch and his book, The Last Lecture. I had heard about it here and there ... have you?

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face, what an extraordinary story! You can watch his "Last Lecture" on YouTube, and he wrote a book about it as well. I don't know which came first ... the book or the lecture, but it is quite phenomenal.

He has died, and just recently from cancer. The story that Diane Sawyer did was remarkable, about him, his life, his wife and children. The things he did for his children as he knew he was dying.

I have been back and forth in my head about the reasons I need to be home, or maybe I should keep interpreting, for the money and so on ...

I have my answer, loud and clear tonight ... there is nothing more important than being with my children and my husband. Being home is the greatest blessing, loving and raising my children and leading them in the way that God wants ... this is what I will do everyday, and I am so thankful.

It is so weird sitting here and weeping for a man that I have never met. I wonder if he knew Jesus?

Goodness, what a story.

Randy said that you are either a Tigger or an Eeyore (did I spell that right?) I am a Tigger, for sure and I am just so thrilled that I will be with my baby girl, home when Matthew gets off the bus, bouncing and ready to play.

God, please bless the family of Randy Pausch, his wife and children as they now move on in this life without him. I pray for his soul, not knowing if he did indeed know You or not. Thank you for my husband's new job, for the amazing benefits that will enable me to be home with Matthew and Grace. Thank you for every moment, every laugh and every tear. I live to serve You, that my children will know You and love You, just as I do. Amen.

P.S. I did find Big Sticks at Safeway ... although they are called Astro Pops, they are still super yummy and fabulous!

Popsicles

I love popsicles.

I just finished eating a Firecracker Pop ... they have a rocket shape and are red, white and blue. Yummy snack ... 40 calories. Sweet.

I remember in elementary school, Melissa and I sharing a Big Stick everyday at lunch. I can't remember if we took turns buying it or what ... but we shared the whole thing, lick for lick. Ha, makes me laugh now ... but it is a great memory that makes my heart happy.

I wonder if you can still buy Big Sticks at the grocery store ... I'll look next time I go.

My kids love popsicles ... any kinds, any where ...

I have made them before ... but they are never as good as the ones I buy at the store.

Mmmmmmmmm ... popsicles are yummy, just wanted to share.

Rough Week ...

TGIS?!?! Thank God it is Saturday! I had quite a week ... the Camp Show was on Thursday, it was fabulous and exhausting. All my campers were great, the staff number was a hit and I am completely thrilled with how smooth everything went ... don't get me wrong, there are always a few stinkers that require "the-mom-stare" ... um, and a few staff members as well ...

A woman approached me after the show, as I was cleaning up and a hot sweaty mess ... she introduced herself and said she was an administrator in the school district for the last 18 years. She said, "I've yet to meet someone with the spirit and love for children that you have." Goodness, what a compliment!?! That made my day ... this is why I do what I do.

It was great and again, I am quite thankful that today is Saturday.

I didn't go weigh in this morning ... I didn't formally exercise all week. I did dance for hours everyday though, so I know that counts for something. Aunt Flo also came to visit, nice timing huh? I just figured I'd sleep in ... which means 6:45 or so ... then Grace is at my side whispering, Mammy, Mammy ... that's not a spelling error, that is how she says it. Quite cute actually.

Today we have friends over all day, I've made an awesome batch of chocolate vegan cupcakes ... and all the monkeys are attempting naps. I pulled out the couch in the front room, and all I hear is giggling at the moment ... so we'll see if they eventually fall asleep.

I'd like a nap.

I'd also like a pedicure.

We had friends visit last night, they just got back from a year long mission in Honduras ... and they brought us the most amazing coffee ... I'd like a cup o' joe right now too.

My triathlon is a week from tomorrow and I am getting really excited. I will turn up the heat this week, run, swim and bike a fair amount and be stoked to cross the finish line! This is a great race, very well organized, inspiring and fun. A good friend is doing it too, and I am super excited about spending time with her.

Thank you Lord for this Saturday, for the chance to "sleep in" and spend time with my family and friends. Thank you for vegan cupcakes and a yummy recipe that only makes 12, so I know I won't eat more than I should ... Thank you for a great Camp Show and a compliment that will remain on my heart for a long time. Help me to prepare and train for my race this coming weekend ... to keep safe, strong and inspired. Amen.

Swim Clinic

Last night, I went to the University of Denver for a Swim Clinic that was being held for women doing the tri-for-the-cure triathlon ... which is just 2 weeks away.

It was super awesome.

The pool at DU is beautiful! It is a 50 meter pool, double the length that I swim at the Y. The woman that was coaching the clinic is a professional triathlete, very "Colorado", down to earth and inspiring. It was really cool to have someone take apart my stroke, really analyze how I can improve and teach me drills to do so ... I learned a lot.

This morning I weighed in and was down 0.4. I knew it'd be a small weigh in, and yes, a loss is a loss ... but that's how I roll ... after last week and losing 2.6, losing 0.4 today was not a surprise. I am proud of myself ... 0.4 or not ... these are lifetime changes that are making such a difference in my life. I am a better Jessica, wife, mommy and friend because of my physical and emotional healing. I mean, c'mon, I've always been awesome ... I'm just more awesome now.

Ha.
Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

We are going to go camping today ... not too far from home, by a river ... this is our 1st trial run with Grace not sleeping in her crib, so we'll see how this goes. We'd love to get into some great backpacking, and living here we are surrounded by amazing places to do so ... but Grace needs to get in the swing before we attempt some big trip!

Thank you Lord for the swim clinic, for Melissa that taught the clinic, for her wisdom and experience. Thank you for a loss on the scale today ... and the work You are continuing to do in my body and soul. Thank you for my Book Club girls last night, for the honest conversation, laughter and depth that we can share together. Bless this family tonight Lord, as we camp for the 1st time with Gracie, that she won't be scared and she will sleep as soundly as she does at home. (wishful thinking?) All things are possible with You. Amen.

Camp Show Mode

This means that everyday, I am spending the majority of my day, dancing, teaching dancing, teaching a song in sign and dancing more. Teaching kids, teaching staff ... moving and sweating my face off!

Our 4th Annual Camp Show is a week from today ... yep, one week left to make sure 100+ kids know their dances, and my staff ... which I am teaching again today ...

This year the theme is Around the World. So every group, (1st graders, 2nd ... etc) have a dance ... Life is a Highway, Walk Like an Egyptian ... get it?!? The staff medley is about 8 minutes long, complete with the YMCA song, We are the World, Rock the Casbah, Born in the U.S.A and more ridiculousness ... it is really so much fun, and again it just makes me realize again how much I love to sing and dance and be a total spaz ... which I know is not surprising to anyone reading this. I do love it, I love to teach it ... oh, and the grand finale is the entire camp signing "God Bless the U.S.A" ... tear-jerker.

I realized something this morning ... I was looking at myself in the mirror and really was so thankful for the weight I have lost thus far ... thinking, it's so nice to see myself like this physically ... as it has been quite a while and I just felt such an overwhelming sense of confidence in what is to come as well. Then I thought too, it is amazing to see myself like this emotionally as well ... this is new ground for me ... this is a place of emotional healing I have desired for years, and as I work through life, forgiveness of myself and others, I feel freedom beyond anything I can explain ... Divine freedom. God is so good.

So, a week left to go ... more dancing, singing and signing today ... Life just feels amazing at this moment, to watch 100 campers sign "God Bless the U.S.A" ... to feel so thankful for the place I am at right now, to be silly and get paid (not much) for it ... to watch my own son on stage dancing and playing the air guitar ... to hear my 2 year old say "oh my gosh" ... blessings abound and my heart is overwhelmed with gratitude.