Stress

Why the need to pull off the Super Woman act?

I often feel like my head is just barely over water ... dropping under for seconds, if not minutes, starting to drown ... then a little burst of energy gets me to swim again.

Have been reading a bunch ... about stress and the effects on weight loss ... or inability to do so.

And I have come to a conclusion ... I have a great amount of stress in my life.

I have to acknowledge it and stop the bullshit act that everything is ok.

It's not.

I am tired. I am weary. I often feel with the lack of sleep lately that I might lose my mind and go ape shit on someone.

I forget what day it is.

I haven't an ounce, not a drip or a drop of energy to even entertain the idea of working out.

The last week, I am pretty sure I have eaten my face off ...

So, Super Woman cape lying on the floor beside me ... white flag waving surrender.

What I say to myself ...

So ... another successful week on my diet ... I am seeing loss, down nearly 16 now. Awesome.

But here is how Friday ended ... and today hasn't been too hot ...

This is the dialogue in my head;

Friday morning ...

"I've been so good all week ... I haven't gone to Starbucks in 3 weeks. It's Friday, Go to Starbucks, You deserve it, You've been so good."

"Just get a tall ... I know you want a grande, don't be dumb and blow it ... get a tall."

"I'll have a tall soy white chocolate mocha."

"There, I did it, I ordered it ... now just enjoy it, savor it ... it's been a long week."

(It was good.)

Later in the day, we are home from work early-ish ... chips on the counter.

"You had the mocha, You kinda blew it with that, starting the day that way ... have a few chips. Just a few. Don't totally blow it."

(Ate a few.)

"You had some, just have some more ... go ahead and ruin it now ... you had a good week ... You are going on tonight ... just eat them."

(I ate more.)

"Wow, you can't even pass up chips huh? Too tempted? Maybe because I've been eating so strict, now I'm going over board? I suck. Failure."

(Date night with Caloy ... went to Boulder ...)

"Just eat dinner, enjoy it ... you've gone this far beyond your diet ... keep going, it's snowballing, getting bigger ... just eat."

(I ate a salad, italian dressing, appetizer-ish flatbread margarita pizza thing, dessert was a pizookie with ice cream)

"See how you feel now? Look at all you ate. You have no control at all. All that work this week and it's blown. You better exercise, or don't eat anything tomorrow."

(I felt gross ... and my tummy was hurting before I was even home)

Now it is Saturday. I had black coffee this morning ... went shopping with my mom and had planned not to eat at all today ... but Caloy's cousin happened to be in town. We went to lunch. Dammit. Here it goes again.

"Just eat a salad. Great, Caloy is ordering an appetizer. Only eat the veggies."

"Nope, shit I had some dip too, a few chips. Here comes my salad, ranch on the side. I fucking hate you dairy, I hate how you make me feel, but I haven't eaten it in so long, I'll just have it this one time ... "

"Don't eat the croutons, Why can't I just enjoy a meal? Why can't I just know that I am out with family, and look at what is on my plate and enjoy it? Why can't I let go of this fucking mental dialogue in my head."

(Kids want dessert. Fuck)

"You've done this for 2 days now. This has to stop. Have a little brownie and ice cream. You haven't had that in so long. Isn't it worth it? Doesn't it taste good? You can't turn anything away, You don't have the ability, Who is in control now?"

Feeling sick to my stomach now ... Maddie and Emma are sleeping over tonight. Ordered pizza. Had a slice. Want to puke.

Why do I talk to myself in such an ugly way? And this is the nice part ... if I was to share all that I thought of myself at this exact moment, I might die from shame.

Women, Food and God

Heard of it?

The author was just on Oprah ... so unless you live in a cave, I suppose by now you might have heard of it.

Picked it up at Target ... can't put it down ... well, I put it down to type this ... but if I could I'd have one eye here and another on the book ... that would be some awesome multi-tasking.

Some people I have talked to are put off because the "God" in the author's reference is not the one I know, not my Savior, not the King of Kings ... but I am still reading it, because every time it says "God", I just put in my Papa, my Lord, my Redeemer ... and keep reading.

I just read the chapter called "Never Underestimate the Inclination to Bolt." Ha, so true ... and although I see myself as an outgoing-face-it-and-deal-kinda-chick ... it is in there, the desire to run, to plop my face into a plate of frosted brownies to somehow deal with whatever I might be feeling.

"Compulsive eating is an attempt to avoid the absence of (love, comfort, knowing what to do) when we find ourselves in the desert of a particular moment, a feeling, a situation. In the process of resisting the emptiness, in the act of turning away from our feelings, of trying and trying again to lose the same 20, 50, 80 lbs, we ignore what could utterly transform us. But when we welcome what we most want to avoid, we evoke that in us that is not a story, not caught in the past, not some old image of ourselves. We evoke divinity itself, And in doing so, we can hold emptiness, old hurts, fear in our cupped hands and behold our missing hearts." Pg. 34

This is a book I think I'll be re-reading ... like The Shack. It's nearly 7am and I should be to work in 10 minutes ... my kids are still sleeping. Back to reading ... work can wait.

Letting Go ...

I had resolved several weeks back to continue training for my Half IronMan ... and today I am letting it go ...

Not the goal, I know I'll do it eventually ... this summer it's not happening, and I am ok with that.

In light of what is coming with Matthew ... I am letting it go. I can't pretend that I will have the time, strength or energy through July to train, and I am ok with that.

I need to be his Mommy, I need to be there when he calls, and I am ok with that.

I am ok with this ... I am letting it go ... for now.

Rain + Hormones = Weepy mess.

Whew ... I am a weepy mess this morning.

Had an AWESOME Saturday. I went to work ... had the 1st of our "Second Saturday Series" for the Health Smart Behavior graduates ... was great to see people that had completed the 1st cohort ... hear how they have been since the class finished.

Then, I went up to G's house ... we drove to Fort Collins and met up with some friends, new and old. Had a nice lunch ... allowed myself to indulge in the midst of this diet (paying for it today with rockin' diarrhea ... too much information?) We went to a place in town that had swings at the bar, I wasn't drinking ... stone cold sober, Thriller came on the radio ... What's a girl to do?

Yep, I moved tables and made a dance floor so I could do the dance ... mid-afternoon on a rainy Saturday, everyone applauded. My mom commented when I told her later on the phone, "Wow, it must be hard being so shy!"

We ended up a little place in Johnstown called "The Corral" ... again, not drinking. I had coffee at 9pm. And ... lucky me ... it was Karaoke night. I did my go-to song, "Let's Hear It for The Boy" by Denise Williams, the Karaoke DJ, asked me to do a duet ... ha, we sang "Cruisin" the version from Huey Lewis (sp?) and Gweneth Paltrow (sp?). It was awesome. G and I sang some Abba ... and I got to do a reprise of Thriller for everyone in the bar ... complete with dance break. It was awesome.

So, here I am this morning, with a grateful heart for a fun Saturday ... it's raining ... listening to some sweet music and just feeling weepy ... missing friends, playing cards with Matthew, enjoying some coffee, feeling nostalgic ... damn hormones ... theraputic to just let tears fall sometimes. So much to be thankful for ... dancing and singing to Thriller twice in one day ... on the top of my list.

For the 1st time ...

in 16 years ...

I am eating chicken.

Yep ... chicken ... me ... eating it. Yep.

I'm doing the entirely organic, free range deal ... and paying a buttload for it. Buttload ... such a great word. I need to use it more often.

Buttload.
Buttload.
Buttload.

Soooooooooo ... in that DRASTIC diet change ... I have lost TEN pounds. Yep. Nuts huh?

TEN.

I am thrilled.

Buttload.
There, had to say it once more.

Fantastic Friday Run

Damn, I feel good.

I had a GREAT run ... beautiful day ... slight breeze ... rockin' tunes ...

Just feels fantastic.

Thank you Jesus for giving me a body that can move, for a heart that pumps life through my entire being, for muscles that are strong enough to carry me, for feet that are fast and lungs that expand with every breath of You. Thank you for the arms that sway to the music I hear, for my eyes to take in the beauty that surrounds me. I love you.

No Lane Love

Soooooooooooo ... I woke up before I had planned this morning.

Swim suit on.
Found keys to the car.
Drove to the Y.
Walked into the locker room and into the pool ...

And, all the flippin' lane lines were full ... some were doubled up already ... #$@%!?

Suck.

So I went to King Soopers and bought donuts instead.

Wait ... I didn't eat any ... just bought them for the kids.

I went to work and did the 12:15 spin class ... THEN ... I ran a 5K on the treadmill.

Feels awesome.

No lane love ... but plenty of other love was found.
I love me.
A lot.

Back at it ...

I had a great ride on Sunday ... 15 miles ... not too much, but to be out, on a beautiful day ... I really pushed myself hard and I feel good about it.

I did the Body Pump class today at the Y ... and ran when I came home.

Tomorrow morning I am swimming at 6am and I am taking a spin class at noon.

Got on a scale today at work ... was not good, knew it wouldn't be ... but I am back at it.

I'm doing it.

I've been wishy washy as of late about the Half Ironman race in August.

The race is 3 months from tomorrow.

I got a wonderfully encouraging email from a girl in my training group.

I'm doing it.

I can do it.

I can train.

I will make the time.

I will cross the finish line.

Why do I doubt my own strength?

Sad day.

Today my brother put down his Lucky dog.

Loren has had Lucky since he was a teenager, in the midst of addiction and serious turmoil ... Lucky was there.

I remember coming home from somewhere, late at night ... or early in the morning ... and Loren was passed out on our driveway with one arm around his Lucky dog.

The kids and I had the chance to go over to Loren's today and kiss sweet Lucky one more time ... she was 16, if not older ... kidney failure. Loren was so strong when the kids were there. They both hugged Lucky and said bye to her.

It's about all the memories ... Loren's journey ... all he has been through, all he has survived.

God bless you sweet Lucky dog. Thank you for loving my brother when I didn't think I could, thank you for keeping him warm when he was not sleeping at home, thank you for loving him unconditionally always.

My song.

This song is my anthem at this exact moment ... the YOU in this song is my daily struggle with fueling my body the right way, exercising and training as I should, my body image ... I've read online that some say the "YOU" in this song is a struggle with an eating disorder, or a drug addiction ... which don't we all have in one way or another?

Gravity
by Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to You
It never takes too long

No matter what I still do
I still you feel here till the moment I'm gone

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains

I've never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in Your love and not feel your rain

Set me free
Leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am
and I stand so tall

I'm just the way I'm supposed to be

But You're on to me
All over me

Oh, You love me because I'm fragile
and I thought that I was strong

But You touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free
Leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am
and I stand so tall

I'm just the way I'm supposed to be

But You are on to me
all over me

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that You're
everything I think I need here on the ground

But You're neither friend or foe
though I cant seem to let you go

But the one thing I know is that You are keeping me down

Keeping me down

Something always brings me back to You
It never takes too long




My anthem. Love it. Download it from itunes ... such truth in these lyrics.

Set me free, I don't want to be held down by you, I am just the way I am supposed to be ... but something always brings me back to you and you are keeping me down.

Return to sender?

Dear Body,

Good morning. I thought I'd take some time to tell you how thankful I am to have you. I know that I am not always grateful, I know that I look at you in the mirror and always, always, always find something wrong and wish you were different, this is changing, slowly but surely ... I am on a journey, a quest, to love you just as you are.

I am thankful body that you always heal when you are sick. No matter the illness, through it all, you manage to heal yourself, and I am thankful.

I am thankful body that you have 2 strong legs, very strong, that can carry this woman, this weight, where I need to go in this life. You may be challenged, you may grow weary, but you still manage to continue, to carry me. Thank you.

I am thankful body that you have a heart in you that continues to pump, lungs that continue to breathe, a brain that continues to think, a tummy that continues to absorb all that it should. You know how to work well together, I am amazed.

I am sorry body for all of the poison I have put into you over my lifetime, for the times when I have had to much to drink, for the times when I have saturated you with sugar, processed chemicals and fake nutrients. This is not what was made to fuel you, and I am sorry for the way it has made you feel. I am sorry for the times I allow my emotions to drive what I put into my mouth, for not thinking of how it would effect you later, for being selfish. Please forgive me.

You are so strong, You are beautiful. Every freckle on you is just as it is meant to be, every stretch mark is a symbol of the amazing success of 2 wonderful pregnancies.

Let this day be the beginning of a new relationship. Forgive me for every having treated you wrong and not loved you as I should.

I love you body.
-Jessica

Balance?

I'm having a rough time finding balance.

I am working more than ever ... or in recent history ... which is awesome and I am thankful. I am loving what I am doing at the Y. I love the Health Smart program that I went to Chicago to train for, I love the results of the program and the relationships I have been able to create with people. I know that God is using me in this ... again, I am thankful.

In working this much though ... I am having a really hard time not "finding the time" to train, but "making the time" to train. I am in a rut and at the moment want to kick my own ass for signing up for the Half Ironman.

I hate satan because I know he uses the times that I am doubting myself to jump all over my insecurities. satan, I hate you. You suck.

Balance ... balancing it all ... being a good Mommy, a wife ... when was the last time I made dinner? How to do it all?

I can't.

That's the answer. I can through Christ though.

I'm having skin cancer scraped from my face on Friday ... my head is already swirling with excuses of having a stitch in my face and being unable to swim. Damn you excuses, that must be satan too.

All things through Christ.

Must. Find. Balance.

Health Care?!?!?

It's snowing this morning ... no surprise, as it is mid March and why shouldn't it be snowing?!?!?

Meredith Viera is wearing a hideous shirt this morning on the Today Show. Hid-eee-ous.

So, all this jazz about the new Health Care Bill ... I just don't get it.

I have health insurance and still pay a ridiculous amount for it ... we have a stack of bills that seems to go on forever. All these dumb old men, yea yea and a few dumb women, in their suits (which are always so unflattering on the chicks) voting for this all, just seems like such a show.

How does it all really effect people? Affect people? Isn't there a rule about which word to use? Effect? Affect? Clearly my brain is all over the place today.

I do have something FANTASTIC to report ... yesterday at work ... I got in the pool with the aquatics coordinator ... and she showed me how to do ... drum roll ..............................

FLIP-TURNS!

I am so thrilled to have learned how to do this. Took about an hour, lots of water up my shnozz, little bit of a chlorine headache, but damnit, I learned how to do it and I am excited.

It will take practice for sure, but it's definitely re-ignited my desire to swim.

Didn't I sign up for a Half Freaking Ironman?!?!? I need to get my flip-turning-ass in gear.

Ann Currey looks nice on the Today Show. I am intrigued by her. She is wearing pearls. My brother's girlfriend wears pearls ... they look so classy. I just don't think I am that kinda girl.

What kinda girl am I?

I am a funny girl ... and I don't give a $%#! about all the Health Care stuff ... bet those dumb women in their ugly suits wear pearls too.

Matt Lauer just chest bumped some intern kid on the Today Show.

Weird.

Happy Friday.
Peace out.

If I had a dollar ...

for everytime in my life that I thought, "oh I'll get back on track on Monday ... on this date ... that date" I'd be fucking rich.

What is it about food?

I am on board with not eating meat, this is not an issue for me at all ... even veggies cooked along side of meat, I'd want nothing to do with it.

It's the vegan part that I sway back and forth with and as I am plugged into how my body is reacting to these things, it is quite revealing really ... not the fact that I am paying attention ... ummm, finally ... but my body's reaction.

I have been so constipated lately ... horribly so. Is this too much information? Whatever, it's my blog. It's been painful, makes me feel lethargic and like shit, ha, literally. When I allow dairy to creep back into my diet, this is the result, I feel like shit.

When I am on my game, eating as I should, what is right for my body ... my poop is awesome. It's like that Oprah episode when she was talking all about poo, what it should look like, how there should be no effort ... I learned so much from that show with Dr. Oz.

Fucking food. It's annoying that we need it and it is my addiction. I couldn't pick something like crack ... because you don't need that. But food is everywhere, in everything, every place I am, and I am addicted. My mood can determine what I eat, how my clothes fit, if some kind of stress sneaks into my day, I will eat something different. It's fucking annoying.

Wow, poop and cussing ... what a great blog entry.

Oh how I love this woman ...

Hi all ...

Is this thing on?

Testing?

Testing?

1 ...

2 ...

Hmmm ... not sure if anyone is listening ... (err, ummm "reading") ... but here I am ... again.

Here I am, sitting on my great green chair ... thoughts being drowned out by the sound of my kids playing school, the dishwasher is running, the dog is making some chewbacca-osh noise ... and I was engrossed in my friend's blog ... I LOVE this woman, I hang on what she says ... I can't wait until she writes again ... and she has inspired me to get back in this, blogging away ... a place for my thoughts, my challenges, my successes ...

Thank you for inspiring me to be a better woman, mom, friend, athlete ... and blogger.

So, let's play a little game o' catch up ... shall we?

We shall.

The last post I had was from June in 2009. Matthew had surgery around that time, it got infected and we had an impromptu vacation at Children's Hospital in July to take care of said infection. This all derailed my training and racing quite a bit ...

I had a fun trip to Vegas last August, got to enjoy time with old friends, got a new tattoo ...


I am now growing out my hair to make a locks-of-love donation ... it's at the driving me nuts point now, but I figure by the time my race comes around in August I'll be ready to chop it all off.

Oh ... and ... "The Race" The Ironman 70.3 that I signed up for ... August 8, 2010. I must be in the best shape of my life ... no more, no less ... and I will get there, slowly but surely.

I have been sidelined monthly though as I am working through my migraines and all the bullshit that brings with it. I've had some really odd hormonal crap happen, and through it all, my body is getting back into the groove.

I have a headache right now ... which is thoroughly annoying. I had a swim planned at CU in Boulder, but knowing how I feel now, it will certainly bring on a migraine later if I push it ... so I'm going to walk around MacIntosh Lake ... listen to worship ... and make my family a great dinner ... this is how I have been lately, taking it all in stride ... I know what I need to swim, bike and run ... and I'll get there.

Again, this woman that I adore, thank you ... more to come.